A plaster.

Previous Monday,
my dear girl came to class with a tissue paper as a plaster.
Things like this makes me upset.

I stock up my wallet with plasters.

This Monday, my dear girl came to class with cuts again.
I wrapped her finger up with a plaster.
She smiled very happily.
Things like this keeps me alive.

Sometimes work gets so overwhelming but my kids, they keep my going.

Morbid as heck but I always wondered what it'll be like at my funeral. 

(Is this a low-key depression thought lol but nope I think I'm depression-free.)

I always wondered who'll turn up and I wondered if my life in this world will be something worth remembering, something impactful to the people at all? 

Yesterday I taught my kids the digraph /ie/ and it just so happens the SmartBoard generated the word "dies". What happens if Teacher Pearl dies? Jayce started whining and the kids put up letter "x" cross signs with their fingers. I don't think they'll remember me a few years down the road, but that moment is going to live with me forever. 

Adorable.

16/1/19 is the date of my rebirth. I wanted to die so badly but I did it and survived. Special thanks to my mama (you know who you are) and my friends. The constant brainwashing like "you can do this"/ "come on pearl do something different this year?!" and countless precious advice from my mama aka slave driver. 

And when it's over I have so many concerned people wondering if I'm alive. When I count my blessings I count my friends twice

:')

Merry Christmas. I don't celebrate Christmas but I love to soak in the positive vibes. It's not often we get such good vibes everywhere.

I spent my Christmas Eve reuniting with my three girls. Ever since adulting happened, it was so tough to coordinate our different schedules and it's so nice that Christmas Eve became that special day where the stars aligned and we got to head out together. For a nice simple Korean lunch, a bit of shopping and some fun with Mario cart and Overcooked which was totally enjoyable. This is also the year where I'm officially the lonely bat around. Time to fly elsewhere and give couples their needed space.

I'm chilling at home with chill music in the background. 

What a year it had been. This year is a year of many changes. I quit my first job, got into my second. Did things like StoryTelling in preschools and in public at NLB and I came to realise that when kids are my audience, (just kids and only kids), it's not scary. Went to Korea and for the very first time, experienced what it felt in a cold climate (apart from the coldness up in Rinjani). Got my first Korean perm and will never return to straight hair again. Bought my first lipstick. Travelled out to a western country for the first time, Melbourne. Tried so much Gin and discovered that I'm actually really high in alcohol tolerance. Went diving in Okinawa, got stuck in a typhoon there too. Worked too hard and felt burnt out for one whole week with the weird high fever. Sucks to be sick. 

Glad to be alive. I wouldn't say alive and happy. I guess it's moderately-content? 

That's good too. 

:)

Tuesday night 8pm, an aftermath of a big downpour.

The floor was wet and muddy. I was walking home and talking the short cut, the back alley of Giant. 

I crossed path with an elderly lady. Her back was really hunched and her footsteps were slow and tiny. Directly opposite from mine because I was chionging to avoid the mud...

I backtracked and brought her to the bus stop. It's been such a long while since I spoke Hokkien conversations and I got slightly rusty. Grandma held my hand as we walked, very, very slowly. She asked me about my occupation, my pang gang timing and even my salary lol. She says it's good. 

How I wished my own grandma could see me adulting. I could buy her favourite KFC for her with my first paycheck. We could do such slow walks too. 

Miss you. 

Live like it's your last

Having gone through a natural disaster I think my world view shifted a bit. 

Tbh I used to think what happens when I die. Who comes to my funeral? Does it hurt anyone? And I think these thoughts are morbid and so I keep them to myself haha. And I think they are completely useless thoughts. 

It hurt very much when I heard ambulance sirens during the Typhoon. Somewhere out there people are hurting. Somewhere out there people are working as well, under this condition, working for others, working for their country and working hard. The paramedic, the convenience store staff, government officers, the police. I can't respect these people enough. 

I need to, and I should, live my life to its fullest, like today's the last. 

A gentle reminder to not think little of the feelings of others. 

Watching Just Between Lovers and it shows the reality of how it takes to heal from losing someone and I'm crying truckloads and it dawned upon me that I am of no position to think little of the amount of grief my kimkim/ my uncle/ my nephew holds within them. 

I can't imagine. 

Just walking past Paya lebar's Lenas and looking at the exact seats we used to eat together at hits me quite badly I can't imagine how my nephew handles looking at every single spot of their home and recalling that just a while ago mum was here. 

The hardest part of losing someone is learning to live without them.