The day after Cambodia.

Slept at 2+/3am last night because of our late flight home. Woke at 6+, then 7+, then finally at 8 I decided to get my butt out of the bed because I really cannot fall asleep at all. Blame the body clock. And the fact that the skies in Cambodia brightens at 5 and darkens (like super super dark) at 6 in the evening.

Cambodia was a different experience every time I return. And that's what keeps me going back again and again. It's like watching your own siblings grow up and getting inspired by them and their dreams again and again. I get reminded of what life is all about. Last year's trip I was on full tippy toes as a leader my whole head was welfare of the team I was so afraid members get hurt/ unwell mentally and physically I couldn't even spend much time with the local kids. But this year, I get to create new memories and collect them all until 我心服口服哈哈

Memories in Beoung:

First and foremost. It has got to be Makara.
Amazing how much he matured in just 3 years, from the bad boy at the farm to a boy who wants to be a lawyer when he grows up. He doesn't know how proud I am of him :') I think it took him a lot of courage to tell us that he was a bad boy last time, smoking and drinking as a farmer's child, spending his days with the bad company and the cows at the farm. When I asked him to dance at the Christmas party, he said nope it's not Khmer. (because they were playing pop english music/ techno/ clubbing kinda songs) Look at how mature this boy is now, omg Makara my whole heart is bursting of pride and joy you don't know how much you inspire me. Thank you for all the care and concern you showered us in our short two days. You made sure we were well fed/ well slept/ well everything basically we were treated as tofu that can break anytime. This boy does things like coming back all the wayyy to the house to check if we are asleep. Not like the house is that near from the english learning centre/church that he spends the night in. What kind of an angel are you Makara. And when he popped by to see us at night, we didn't turn on the living room light to save electricity and so we got a shock of our lives when we saw him. Like legit shocked HAHAHAHA. like horror room kind of shock. Laughed so much. And of course we had some revenge the next morning when he came to accompany us to the market >:) I hope with all my heart that you will do well in Math. It's the subject he struggles with the most... The problem isn't about his attitude towards mugging though. The whole problem lies with the fact that he doesn't have time ever. School takes place both morning and afternoon, ending at 4. And after school he'll head back to Hope In Light to fetch kids to learn english, and then teach them english. And by the time classes end, that'll be 8+? Then it'll be dinner. And after dinner it'll be cleaning up of the school. And there are days whereby Makara goes for his own English classes, so that he can improve his English and help out more @ HIL. You tell me how can you find time and energy by then? :-( Sigh. Can't wait to see you grow up and... even though you don't have a passport/ even though you will never think of this thought, I honestly can't wait for you to shine so brightly in the future and for that very one day you can come over to Singapore. I swear I'm going to make you the most VIP tofu ever.

Next, Sokthea!
Aiyo our emotional little boy. Who looks like he was going to cry while eating his porridge when he saw the christmas card we gave. The moment I saw him for the first time that day I was OH MY GOD because Sokthea grew up SO MUCH he is so tall now!!! And that look on his face when he saw us for the first time again was so freaking epic it's glued in my memory. He also has this smile that can light up the world. shines brighter than a diamond la! Cutepie. I really hope his school work gets better this coming year, wanted to check and see if he did his homework he said nope no homework. Jiayou Sokthea, you can do this, conquer school!!!

Sokun, is the usual Sokun. S for Sokun, S for Superman. Idk what else to say about superman anymore. Except that we had to keep reminding him how he needs to take good care of his health because it is getting worse. He is also the pillar for the boys and this pillar cannot fall, pillar fall = everything falls :-(

At the end of the day... I know one-off donations don't work/ child sponsorship is debatable etc (after NUS biz brainwashed my head a bit) but I still did it. At least I think it helps in their immediate and most urgent need- esp Sokun's sickness. Whatever liao, I'm not gna care about the sustainability of this money haha my whole head was: better to have, than nothing.

Anyway. I emailed mummy bloggers who once blogged about Peter and Jane books a few years back, hoping to get them second-hand but then no replies so I jumped into the pool of unknown haha did a crowdsourcing thing on GiveASIA and JOY TO THE WORLD it is proven that people are kind (of course I'm a bit bias I will like to add on that ALL my friends are kind) haha love you all.

Current situation: kiao kar-ing while room is in a complete absolute mess aka taking a break from packing my bag aka taking my own sweet time the whole freaking day hahahaha I am forever and always, a true blood last minute packer :')

Cambodia in ONE DAY

The heart is fuller when I allow it to be.

(Tan, 2016)

#trudat

Recharging my batteries when I meet with with my buddies every time. Powerful AAA batteries. 

I get shag from too much social interaction so I consider myself an extroverted introvert... but that doesn't happen when it's with the right people heheh. 

Met up with James and Tze yesterday for dinner at bugis and catching up and just being together. Everything falls into place like the good old days :') Even if I haven't seen both of them much since the sem started, esp James. Time flew so quickly, I guess all good times do. It was 10 again and time to get home when shops were all closing and of course, as usual James is off to play mahjong overnight again like back in capt days lol. I will always, always remember how epic it was when I went to Level 7 at 4am crying like my world ended and James coming out of the mahjong room looking so freaking shocked at me. And that long counselling talk at the ledge omg hahaha thankful for this bro. Also the one who is always direct as heck, threatening to kill my sucky group mates/ showering dark chocolates like my real legit bro/ QCing my assignment essays/ dragging me out all the way to Clementi just for his gaming mouse/ fighting at capt stairways over the most childish shit/ matchmaking me ridiculously with any single guy he sees while we eat in dining hall "Eh that one! Look look look!!! The singlet one!" which makes it so damn bloody obvious any human will also know we are talking about them/ snatching the phone to chase away all the insurance people because I was too coward to reject them it was so difficult to say no to people haha. Now I know better :-) Now I can say no all by myself! 长大了有没有？！

Also got to see Tze and Hua again, and we enjoyed hawker goodness at Queenstown! Wah all the feast from Padthai to xiaolongbao and rojak etc got us just $6.50 each after we split everything siao. Love these two as well la. 

Conquered Mt Hojicha tgt with bingsu and chicken salad with HH, all three were great and yum at Twenty Grammes!! Mt Hojicha is unforgettable I LOVE IT. Every time I see anything green/matcha HH will float in my head LOL. Not a huge green fan but matcha is not bad as long as not too milky so here we go~ Onwards to engulf more good food/ more green things with HH! And also not a xmas person since family doesn't do celebrations and after all I still don't know the whole story of Jesus' sacrifice at this ripe old age so yup. Christmas is just an excuse for some presents and some shopping because $$$ SALES $$$.  But December is special because it's time for HH's BIRTHDAY! Have yet to find a good wallet, maybe JB has some good presents! Cross fingers!

Am currently obsessed with Weightlifting kdrama I love these kind of cheesy unrealistic drama plot of great awesome main guy liking the bigger sized/ less popular/ but happy and cheery main character girl. Things that only happen in drama haha. Man living in my house is getting too much of a serious mode la, bad things keep happening, taking away all the cheesiness haiz. 

On a side note, TWO MORE WEEKS TO CAMBODIA :>

Things that make my eyes more asian / Things that make me -.- / I wonder if I'm a feminist

1. when a guy says "help me to take care of so-and-so (a girl)" Come on la, how freaking old is she already, can't she take care of herself. Saw this on insta just now.

Anyway, someone said that to me before, asking me to take care of my best friend. I had the most asian eyes I can ever have deep inside but for politeness sake I just said okay of course but my insides were like !?@#?$?!!!! do I need YOU to tell me to take care of MY friend??? I take bloody good care of my friend on my own who the heck are you to tell me that la. Okay if it's coming from a parent I can totally accept. But from a random guy who knew her for like less than a year but I freaking know my bestie for 14 years omg hi guy you siao ah.

2. when a guy need to carry a girl's bags and all. I see this all the time and I still don't get it.

你的手在哪里啊女人？

Feel the typical sore throat + runny nose combo coming. Woke at 5 to eat pipagao and drink hot water but it didn't really help that much so I woke again at 6.30! I figured why did I crash at early 10+ last night- bro told me to eat TWO of that powerful yellow mini pill for runny nose which cause lots of doziness but the usual dosage is ONE hahahaha both of us didn't know so we just whacked as two.

It's yet another chilly Tuesday! :-)

• Caught Fantastic Beasts with xin last week woah it was fantastic Harry Potter really never ever disappoints. 
• Went to Curious Palette with colleagues for brunch yesterday! Food was good but expensive but good but still expensive so I rather go to JB for the same food at lower price haha
• Speaking of that... JB plans coming right up in mid-Dec, exchange rate is amazing now at 3.09 there was a LONG queue at paya money exchange yesterday haha I'm gna exchange mine next week :>
• Nice Day plans with HH too yippee 
• Clairebear is coming back next month omg

END OF FINALS HELLYEAH!!! I'm delighted about the end of finals even though I am not even a student anymore because end of finals = friends in their human bodies. I usually just see friends in their virtual forms online so YAY I GET MY FRIENDS BACK NOW. Starting off with Hua & Tze tomorrow :>

Yesterday I opened up to my colleagues about my past haha I thought they will know eventually but not thaaaat soon but okay now they know. And talking about some mini details still makes me a bit emotional and choked up I was so worried I'll tear up but I held it in :D There are just some things in life that we forgive but never forget. It sticks in your head like gum on hair and no matter how young you were back then it just stays inside the head. Weird and sad how we usually tend to remember the most painful things, human nature shi bu shi? I remember... even the smallest shit. Like when I jumped and someone said there's an earthquake. And how students from KidsREAD called me fat but I kept quiet. Thinking back, to educate better, actually I should have told him "that's not very nice to say" etc but I was just too cui and a bit sad inside then to tell him anything. 17 years old then. 

I was fat, but very happy :-) I have the most amazing bunch of friends that sometimes in life at random moments I feel this whole gush of thankfulness, how blessed am I to have these people in my life. Growing up means less opportunities to do crazy shit, especially when career creeps in. I'm sad about this fact but glad I actually did some crazy shit back in the younger days. It's like keeping a library of my own, shelf by shelf I'll classify them and keep them all in my own space :-)

My nephew wants to go to the US and I told him jie has no money you need to wait long long first hahaha then he gave me the most adorable reply. Why did you use all your money on Pooh?! Hahahaha because I bought him a Pooh last time and he knew that Pooh bear needed $$ to get. So therefore US ticket = Pooh bear from Isetan hahaha children are really are the cutest people ever. Borrowed 6 cute story books from Whitesands as well for work and A Long Way Home (OMG YES I AM BORROWING A BOOK TO READ WTS) hahaha it's the book for the movie Lion I'm contemplating to watch with the bro. Trailer looks super T.T very cry-able. 

On another random note I know it's damn joke but... I'm interested in performing for Guitar's anniversary concert HAHAHA I feel like getting a new goal for myself :> Let's see how things goes! 

Back to RM!

Work never ends. But I'm not complaining. I spent my 'weekends' researching on developmental games for my toddlers and I'm gng to try out spin the wheel game this week muahahaha excited. Have already printed out all the wheels (alphabet/ colours/ sea creatures etc) and I'm gng to do a DIY wheel with a pin and a cork board *cross fingers* that the kiddos like it! Esp when some of my Year 2s come early for class, kill some time and play with it haha.

I've been nodding off at 9+ almost every night this is so embarrassing like a baby's sleeping timing but I'll ren until 10/11 hahaha

It's a Wednesday morning now.
Heavy rain outside.
Unfortunately father is up.
Missing Grandma(s) yesterday, both of them. Everytime I hear Photograph by Ed Sheeran I'll think of them but yesterday the feels were damn strong I teared a little and changed song quickly. We keep this love in a photograph~ I keep both of them in my wallet close to me wherever I go yay
Sometimes I'll feel guilty to Ah Ma and wonder if she can see us from wherever she is now. See how screwed up my r/s is with her son and I'll feel bad about it. Sometimes I wonder what's in my father's mind too. What was he thinking about when bro and I were born? Or when we were growing up? Why don't he join in and play a part? What does family mean to him? And the more I think about it the more hatred I'll accumulate inside myself which is damn unhealthy so I need to distract myself. One of the most hurtful things in the world you can ever say to your child is the fact that you didn't want them to be born. You just do it for society's sake/ for fun's sake and wash your hands off everything after you contribute your freaking sperm. Unfortunately I'm not that kind a person so I bear grudges and there are some things that sticks like gum in my head, like what he says to me I can't erase them no matter whatever logic I try to tweak them around...

And then I wonder if words are just empty words like the promises they made to each other, their wedding vows.

"for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." 

I guess some promises are meant to be broken. The only thing they do is really "until death do us part" hahaha as in physically wise because divorce is too complicated a thing. Only their bodies are together in the same house whoop all the verbal abuse is so toxic what kind of soul mate is this. I wonder if my mum agreed to marriage just because her age was appropriate. I want children in my life and a nice warm family and all but I shall not grab any man from the street hahaha because I'll be destroying the lives of my kids and that is freaking selfish so yes single for life is even better than anything like that.

Done ranting about family issues I've no where else to rant at so I'm just ranting about them here as always.

我要买一个 ACOUSTIC 吉他

Not musically talented and all but I am really craving for some guitar hahahaha ownself play ownself shuang. AHHHHHHH MY HEAD KEEPS THINKING ABOUT $$$

Zao an! It's a Saturday again! Another brand new beginning (LOL I have many new beginnings) because I'm taking all Teacher YT's classes and my own classes this weekend I have officially joined the world of all the other MTs, I have reached my final destination. It is crazy how we look back and go like WTS I MADE IT LOL. Half amazing half unbelievable. Like how I thought I will die in Biz school but I am still breathing now. Amazing amazing.

Yesterday was Singles' Day 11/11 such a nice number I am a strong believer of 11:11 make-a-wish thing haha but sian Singles' Day shares the same numbers 11/11 too. Long time ago some peers used to ask me why the heck am I single and they made it sound like a sin and made me feel so bad about myself like I did sth wrong but then I realised hello why must I get so affected by others' opinions just live your life by your own will I'm gng to be accountable for my own happiness why make myself unhappy being affected by words? :D

Went over to KY's place to edit her assignment after work omg nostalgia much all the citation work and PDF readings LOL it was fun but only fun because it was just one. Wah rhymes. Haha if I put myself into a shoes of a year 4 it's gna be more than just one assignment so no more fun :-( Anw I feel so good about myself for contributing to the essay T.T Finally I can help out with something!!! But then that woman bought me drink and even bought my mum dinner and refused my $$... Siao one. And we made a promise to run a marathon tgt :> I don't believe in marathon's like dk what Hello Kitty Run/ Sundown though, when we pay to run and I have no idea where the $$ is going to. Maybe Yellow Ribbon or some other charity run will be better :-)

More about work- I AM SO GLAD MY BABIES DIDN'T CRY AT ALL THIS WEEK. I shall have my own personal record let's hope no babies cry today and tomorrow as well!!! And 11/11 = an epic sale on Taobao but I don't understand all the taobao thingy but it's okay because my friend at work does and therefore...

We
spent
a
grand
total
of

$500+
HUAT ARH!!! LOLOL I bought my whole lifetime worth of presents I am contented. But the $500 = sum of all of our buys so it should be okay! For Christmas this year I'm attempting to make a snowman out of balloon for my kids haha I already bought the long twisting ones. All I need is white balloons. Got special pump from taobao too hehehehe great I is very happy. Knees are currently wonky much oh no joint rub spam! Throat also dying but I cannot decline chilli and chocolate and chips so pipagao spam spam spam!

4 out of 4 - tick!

HARROW. It iz a Monday Morningz. I is a chirpy happy morning birdz. Just mopped the house nobody should misunderstand- I only do guai things once a week on Mondays/Tuesday. It's a bit stormy outside, prob gna rain soon aha just the right weather to be home :-D

Yesterday I had my First Year 2 class of the week at 10.20 I love happy Year 2s ahahaha no crying and all it was fun! Rewarded myself with happy food too haha chocolate waffles from bakery yum yum a very close substitute to Deck's! I also took over another Year 1 class at 2 yesterday because my poor colleagues are falling sick :-( The babies were restless though, not that fun. Maybe because new unfamiliar face too.

2 out of 4 - tick!

Friday's classes! SOLO LOMANTIC ROMANTIC TIME WITH MY INTERNATIONAL BABIES
1st class with Luna at 11.45 and 2nd class with Seeeun at 3.20

Babies are CUTE and tough at the same time because of their attention span. Luckily enough there are only 1 student each but ahhh in the future... MORE students. Cross fingers for luck.

3 out of 4 - tick!

Currently a Sunday morning and I woke at 5 (again) because aiya I crashed at idk 10? 9? Then as usual bro had to do everything for me (YAY burden) off lights, put back laptop etc hahaha. Yesterday was a record-breaking craziest teaching day for me! Five classes it was like a bullet train rushing from classroom to classroom, changing materials from Year 2 to Year 1 and to Year 0, really all chiong chiong chiong!

Initially I just had to sit in YT's 9am Year 2 class because I'm taking over it next week but ahhh the AT was late so in the end I became the AT lolol. And right after that was Year 1 class at 10.20 and it was a full class and it was YT's class but I took over which stresses me out because taking over these seniors' classes are scary. Comparison by parents = inevitable and comparison is the thief of joy but who cares I'm sure they are still going to compare anyway hahahaha because everybody does. Human nature. Thankfully it went alright. Then whoosh I had to rush back to my lion classroom to do my Year 0 11.45 class and oh noooo 2 out of 3 babies cried so badly because new environment new faces new everything. Their maids had to enter the class halfway because they seem to be closer to their maids than their mum/grandmother. (Something that I wish will not happen to me if I have a child next time haha) Thank goodness the class went okok too, except for the fact that they cried. Hopefully it gets better week by week! 3.20's Year 1 was good this week I loved it because Alphonsus was a happy baby hehe. He is so cute too cute la haiyo. New student too Alessie (?) and I don't know how to pronounce her name whoops. I asked mummy at the start of the class but I keep forgetting. Zoom zoom then it was preschool class at CR1! Chionged to change classroom again but it was all worth it because Carter is my love. C U T E cute and more cute.

Anyway my throat is breaking. And this is going to be a very common thing. I bought FOUR bottles of pipagao at Unity yesterday lol. My knee joint rub is running out, time to stock up too! I'm so happy because... MY "WEEKENDS" ARE CREEPING NEARER.

One day to go. LEGGO!!!

1 out of 4 - tick!

3rd Nov- Officially had my first two classes yesterday!!! -insert grand music-
Classes that I can really call MINE hehe since they are new classes so they are new student babies!

11.45's my first Year 0! Azalea!!!
Why my heart plop plop plop:
1. Boss sat in
2. Mummy AND Daddy and helper sat in too

To my huge delight Azalea smiles at me omg I LOVE it when babies can smile/laugh at things you do because sometimes it's so difficult to make them smile esp when she's just 7 months and I cannot bribe her with stickers/food that easily as I can with 2 year olds haha. And wooow her focus was great no cries no fidgeting just staring and absorbing it was so fun until
UNTIL
UNTIL
MY SUPERFLASH SUCKED
Big time. Worst than all other times I have no idea why were the cards so sticky T.T My last card always sticked with title card boooooo. Oh wells. On a positive note, that's the only thing boss pointed out, other than that it's ok phew. Azalea's mummy and daddy are so humble and nice and good-looking much. Mummy is so beautiful?!!!?!?!?!?! Haha anyway conclusion for the class: I'm happy but unhappy haiyo superflash pls be okay from now onwards please.

4.45's Year 1 with 4 new students (twin girls too) and 1 transfer student!
Oh my the twins are SO HAPPY and also very incredibly active hahaha they walk like zoom and laugh and smile and all super cute! That also means... I was DAMN LOUD hahaha in order for everyone to pay attention haha so at the end of the class my throat was dying. I now live on pipagao and strepsils all day all night. And joint rubs too. On a happy note yay super flash was much better this class hehe goot.

It's 6.53am now! 2nd out of 4 days to go~ I slept epicly at 10.30 and woke at 5.20 LOL drama watching now. May today be a happy day! :-)

#11

11th month of the year. I love 11. I truly believe with my whole heart in the 11:11 wish ahahha, since 11:11 is good for wishes, 11 month should be great too!

Time really flies. It's amazing how we look back and think, woah I didn't imagine myself to be in this, like this, at this time, in this place.
最终，我们还是走过来了。
我们都会走过来的。

Woke up early in the morning today. Like EARLY EARLY. Sun not up kinda early. Slept only about 5/6 hours but couldn't get back to sleep so whatever here I am! It's going to be a new challenging week because it's the new term! Which means... I'm starting my own classes.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Cross my fingers wish me luck tolong tolong please be a kind week!

Creepy is when you are brushing your teeth and you caught your mother scanning your body behind you early in the morning. “你不会觉得你越来越瘦？" What to say? I said "我不会". She's so sensitive about food issues that I am now sensitive about the fact that she's so sensitive it's just a bad vicious cycle that never ends it's really sad. Gone are the days we do meals together purely enjoying the time together and the food together because now I need to eat everything on her plate as well. She had a bowl of kimchi soup the other day and every sentence will be "try the veggie" / "try the egg, got egg" / "drink the soup" when I had my own bowl of food myself as well. And when the conversation about me having HER food finally ended she'll proceed to "there's dessert stall. want green bean? want barley? want red bean?" It was so overwhelming :-( The whole time spent having a meal was just purely question and answers. Gone are the days we can have conversations anymore. How sad is that. They are really gone.

About happier things:
#1: Took Jill's Year 3 class yesterday while she's on leave. Need to admit that I really enjoy teaching Year 2/3 more than baby classes haha Elijah was over the moon omg such a happy and responsive boy! Only had 3 students in the class shiokkk it's less than 1/2 the size of my own baby class haha. After class we had to leave the room because of the next class but Aiken refused to leave it was so sad to see him upset haiyo :-( He took my pointer and didn't want to let it go haha and kept saying "I want to teach. I want to be a teacher." So we said you can come back next week and teach, he said "no next week!!!" Even sweets or "where's mummy/ mummy is going home now" tactics didn't work :O He didn't care that mummy left (disappeared behind the wall) and even when mummy tried to carry him away he ran away in panic and said "I don't want mummy I don't want daddy I want to teach!!!" So cute la haiyo. I told him okay teacher will tell Boss and then we sign an early contract asap hahahahaha
#2: Dinner with the bro despite STRANGE unplanned events. Dr STRANGE's tickets STRANGELY sold out :-( Both 7.40 and 8.50 timings, too pops and STRANGE. So we just ended up shopping and Long John Silver's-ing whoohoo so shiok good old memories when we used to eat it so often at Sg Post. The new chili crab and cheese fish is GOOD. LJS' cheese is the only type of cheese I love in this world!!!

My throat is going downhill

but

but

but

TODAY'S CLASS WAS MUCH BETTER THAN LAST WEEK
THANK HOLY BEINGS THANK YOU THANK YOU I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

Kiasu like heck and practised super flash so many times it wasn't amazing but as long as it's better than last week I am a thankful human being.

• Adele hit her head twice today :-( and she cried my poor baby haiz. I successfully distracted her but still, so poor thing ouch ouch :-( 
• Alyssa is a happy baby and smiles at everything I do but then she also walks like nobody's business during class LOLOL mummy also lets her walk omg it's really so hard to give up the forest for just one tree. Cannot stop momentum of lessons while I have one baby walking around hahaha "where's mummy?" / "go to mummy" etc doesn't work at all. But still, love. Love my happy babies. 
• Walrick is so calm today and smiled a little too YAY improvement. But still no big hugs at the end of the class haha just a Hi-5. Nevermind, baby steps.
• Alphonsus smiled at me!!! Love this cutie he's so well-mannered and daddy is really dad goals. Awesome loving dad I give you 100/100, really. 
• Okay still no big hugs from Alphonsus but it's okay, Hi-5s for now.
• LUCAS. MY DEAR LUCAS AND MY DEAR LUCAS' GENEROUS LONG LOVING BIG BIG HUG thank you, it's the best to end the class with your huge big hug haha instant eraser of all things tiring/shag/painful.  

Got two huge blue blacks on the knees and they don't seem to go away because I'm not giving them enough time to heal before I kneel and kneel again whoops. 

My eyelids are closing. Guess the time.
9.19pm. UNACCEPTABLE. Whut. Even babies don't sleep so early these days...

Sometimes I wonder if I might have anger management issues.

There is this man who contributed his reproductive cell to create me. I don't see him as family. We share minimal/zero conversations. And I get pissed off at almost every single thing he does. Today morning I get pissed off inside because he was sneezing, the explosive kind, without covering his mouth. Growing up, I always asked him to "cover your mouth please" but now I don't care to talk anymore. See the problem here? I don't care about his health and vice versa. I am thoroughly an unfilial child. If I see a friend sneezing I'll say bless you and ask if they are okay but none of these thoughts crossed my mind. The only thing in my head is how inconsiderate he is to spread all his saliva and germs all around the house.

As always,
I keep all that anger inside me and I seem so nonchalant on outside, but I'm secretly exploding inside I want to cry and bawl and make a fuss like a 2 year old going through the Terrible Two phase and all-

But nope.
Nope.
Just nope.

Not like he was there in my life when I was 2 anyway. What more about 22 now.

Randomly wanted to remember this hence the post:

When I was omw to visit my one month old nephew with his presents at cousin's after work last Friday (because my work clashes on his actual birthday date T.T) I gained a little faith in our society! There was an uncle riding his huge bicycle that has all the props well set for roasted nuts and all his charcoal fell out of the bike at the traffic light. Then not just 1 but TWO fellow Singaporeans went over to help him. 有没有感动?! Many helping hands! And Uncle even kindly asked us to wash hands with his water because they were black from the charcoal stains.

Minor small incident but major warmness in society.

Woke at 4+ to pee and then at 5.50am again then I gave up trying to sleep because... HUNGER hahaha. The irony it's my first ever free Tuesday FREE like FREE WATER kind of free. Like free tissue in restaurant kind of free. Like free eggs in that Jap ramen stall kind of free. FREE. Shall just nap whenever, later in the day :-)

I got reminded of epic CAPT days when I'll wake up at epic hours 4/5+ and say hello from the other side to HH. Woah I'm glad I got myself out of that weird period in life I think it was really the stress that changed the whole sleep cycle. At least now I'm strange, but not that strange. Now I'm 6/7am early bird. Last time it was 3/4/5am- not even a bird please, might as well be a bat.

Stocked up on 10 Zoo/Car meiji biscuits yesterday for babies since Watsons was having a sale at Whitesands. Also, look very much forward to breakfast every Tuesday because I'll get my bro & my favourite Bakery Cuisine after tuition on Monday evenings! The love. Always got them at KR MRT, yay for whitesands' branch! Bro/Tze/Me love the black volcano, is the bombzxzxzx <3 Anyway back to topic: guess what am I doing now! Stocking up on baby socks hahaha sadly my micky and minnie are limited in quantity, I'm gna get animal designs too then.

OKAY DAMAGE IS DONE. $66.97!!! 36 pairs of socks all at $1.90 each. The cheapest I can find outside is 3 for $10 so $1.80 is considered quite cheap but $67 at one go is a bit W O W so I chicken I hold on to the tab but didn't check out my shopping cart yet hahahaha. Instead erm went to report to the bro...

Back. HOLY CRAP I DID IT. Payment done hahahhaa.

"Some people will like you some people won't #lifelessons" (Tan, 2016)

A very important life lesson from my dear friend. SO DAMN TRUE. Some parents may like me some parents won't. Life goes on let's keep that chin up keep that smile up and go with the flow flow flowwww.

I am feeling so happy now because it's rainy and cold out there AND I AM IN BED I AM ALONE (no smoke no tv loudness) AND I AM UNDER THE BLANKETS IT IS SO COSY IN HERE!!! :D Semi multitasking lol talking to Claire bear + loading my new korean drama haha + researching on en-bloc I am finally useful to my Year 4 friends omg. It's so chiem, final year. I am of zero use to tze's nursing or hh's psych experiments and AHAH finally. Kaiyun's real estate!!! I can do some google research and find some inspiration about en bloc! Hen hao.

Another good news. I found something I really want to do!!! Project Hand in Hand by Assoc of Early Childhood Educators. Basically it's helping families to bring their children to preschools hao ke ai ah! Got to do some medical test first as volunteer screening I wonder how long will approval take, hope I get it! :D SO CUTE

Okay got to get back to research work before tuition later buh bye

Yesterday was a 5/10 day.

Why half full:

• Dinner with bro (yay like finally) and mum (who just kept forcing me to eat all of her food and bro tends to defend me and ends up arguing with mum on my behalf which makes me feel half protected but half sad too) We headed off to buy Gongcha and oooo now I get why he loves Ovatine from GC, there's cereal inside making it very yumz. Mum doesn't give up even when it's just drinks- LOL she kept asking me to drink even her gongcha too. Parenting is really tough shit and our r/s is like two parallel lines how do we ever meet. 
• Me: "COLDSTORAGE?"Bro: "CHIPPEES" So off we go. Stocked up on our chips (yes what in the world hahaha you have a 22 year old and a 25 year old who call chips CHIPPEES...) and ice creams too
• Lucas came early for class today and when he smiles at me it makes me so happy. My happy pill yesterday :') When I wanted a big big hug at the end of the class he was the only one who gave me the biggest hug and he ended up just lying on me comfortably it was too cute
• I did manage to end on time and Jill is so proud of me 

Why half empty:

• Disappointed with my class. VERY. Out of the 3 so far yesterday was the worst :(
• Babies were crying. I really do enjoy Year 2 and Year 3 more, especially when toddlers respond to you themselves the fulfilment level is HIGH
• Mum kind of changed my whole room... So much feelings about this I ended up just going to shower trying to neutralise all the negativity and I kept sighing hahaha sighing makes it better 

but life goes on I am alive my friends are alive we are alive.

Today shall be better. 

忙忙忙

When I was a trainee time used to crawl.

Now time is flying faster than a flying fox I can't find enough time to do finish everything I need to complete oh no but it's good life's good I'm good

All I can think of in my head is how to improve the class tomorrow haiz my greatest aim is to NOT OVER RUN A SINGLE SECOND COME ON LET'S DO THIS GOGOGOGO

Blogging again because I'm taking a short break from crying at Moonlight. Still got about 45 minutes of the episode to go haha.

Was making diving plans with buddy for the year end but it's so tough :( $$$ and our clashing schedules, esp mine because I'm the biggest burden. Weekends blocked and I can only take leave during our term break but the term break isn't that long either. And we're limited by the options of dive sites too; thinking of Thailand but the dates we cannot the money we cannot too... Postponed to next year le.

Dawned upon me that 青春过了就是真的过了。
Things like Mt Rinjani, Tioman, JB trips or even local things like random don't study but go forest walk day with blue house, midnight Sheng Siongs with James and Tze, or even more ancient events like midnight maple story (hi hh hahaha)... All the good old days. Not gna be sad that it's even tougher to do those now. Glad that they happened anyway :-)

For now lemme look forward to the epic KHS reunion tomorrow ancient relics omg from 9 years old to 22. And also a movie/ice cream/foodie day with the bro next Sunday. Ah and also, reminder to self: make this Sat's class a better one... I'm too slow I tend to over run :(

Mode of transport to the movies: TRAIN

Yesterday's movie: The girl on the TRAIN

Previous movie: TRAIN to Busan

How I teach my nephew multiplication table: Be a bullet TRAIN

Theme is #train haha. Movie was scary omg mind twisting and poor main character seriously :( She suffered so much, her mental struggles and denial and all ahhhh really very ke lian T.T THANK GOD IT IS A MOVIE and not real life. 

Eyes are hurting now early in the morning haiz regrets. Because I woke up and watched yesterday's episode of Moonlight and crown prince's bestie freaking DIED IN FRONT OF HIM and I cannot do this shit T.T Bro rushed in while preparing for work thinking sth happened but see me sobbing in front of the dying scene hahaha waste his time only. Ah yesterday night I told my bro to donate away my organs when I die, don't bother cremating ok I'm not that useful this life but it'll be so awesome to be useful to people when I die la! I was so proud of this brilliant idea but stupid bro said: What if your organs damn cui then 害别人

... ... 

Still standing firm with my brilliant decision >:)
Today's the LAST tuition day on Tuesday. I repeat. LAST. I repeat again. L A S T.
Which also means I'll get 9 lessons worth of $$$ today oh yay I can finally give mum hard cash of her allowance that I owed for Sept AND Oct haha.

Feeling so blessed these days. Mainly because of friends in my life. 有你们真好。

My bro is out of the country.
I am the only Singaporean who knows it.
Enters dramatic music.

It is early in the morning.
It is a Sunday.
Mother is shouting into the telephone; she always doesn't talk normally into the telephone; her siblings and her communicate by SHOUTING to each other.
I am mildly annoyed by the shouting.
I raise my voice to get myself heard across the door.
It doesn't work she doesn't hear me...

KORKOR WHERE ARE YOU (OK FINE I KNOW WHERE ARE YOU)
BUT COME BACK (OK FINE I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU ARE ONLY COMING BACK AT 8 TONIGHT)

OMG I DIE WITHOUT MY BRO.

Last night mum went to bed at 11ish and she suddenly woke at 1am feeling heart pains/tightness and tried to vomit out the discomfort. I was helpless idk what can I do so I was just there.

It's sad that our relationship is so formal, it's sad how I cannot stand her love language. It's just service and service and service. Even when she's feeling unwell she doesn't want me around but in bed and sleeping o so sweetly- you tell me who in the right mind will do that la. Come on la, even if it's just an acquaintance I still wna be there for them when they are in pain right?? But you reject that and you serve us like we are royalty. You only dine when we are around. You insist that I eat so much but you don't do the same (Hence the pain because I think she ate antibiotics from the doc on a quite empty stomach)

When will this ever end. Don't think it ever will, it's gna be like this all the way till...
Just all the way.

The week after Japan

Hello. 

I have survived a week after Japan. And it is a week of many changes. Not just the fact that I teach official classes now, but the fact that I can actually oversleep- something I thought I couldn't do anymore hahaha. The usual body clock of 7am lost to a very tired monster. For the past week I actually felt sleepy at 9+ LOL. I think this is going to be a constant I need to get used to it. Boss opened so many more classes for me for New Term next month haha I am going to have an international baby from Korea and a pair of twins and two babies on 11.45 Saturday class too. The thing about baby class is the attention span, I need to research on how to attract their FULLEST attention! Get some toys to distract them or sth.

Had 3 classes last week
1 official class for year 1s on Saturday,
2 classes year 2 and year 3, took over YT's class for that day.

Sunday's classes were much better! I was so disappointed with my super flash on Saturday it wasn't good enough haiz but Sunday classes were so enjoyable :') Loved it when the babies respond so enthusiastically. And it was children's day!!! Which also meant PRESENTS and HAPPIER BABIES :') On that note I now have a stash of baby presents for future use at home already hahaha and I JUST bought 20 christmas finger puppets on carousel a few minutes ago haha.

P.S. Note to self: NEED TO KEEP RECORD OF SPENDINGS!

Ooo last week I headed to the West to find HH at Deck and met Tze at med too! I was actually missing school a bit but the moment I headed back I realised, hmm it's okay to just miss school. It's just a moment thing, I don't really need to be back in school again for real school shit hahaha. Satisfied the waffle craving at Deck IT IS IRREPLACEABLE. Ah I was still sick then (and now too, sian) so I felt so out of place outdoors that day. Weird feeling.

It's also very weird to have ALL of my friends in school and me at work. I can no longer fully empathise well and be there for them in all the school sianness... I also can't wait for them to grad and crash their grad ceremonies thinking about it keeps me excited already hahahaha. Very difficult to meet them all since we are on different chapters and busy schedules for now. Finally catching two of them tonight!!! YH and Tze hehe :D

Finally a break todayyy it felt so long since I had one hahaha feeling just thankful for everything haha everyone please have a happy week! :D

16 Days

In 16 epic days in Japan I learnt a few things.

#1. I cannot do long flights. This is the longest flight I ever took in my life (about 7-8 hours). Not budget airline somemore omg haha I'm so used to budget airlines and their no-food service haha this is sth new. I love airline food though I loved their breakfast oh my omelette leh my fav *v* Ah dinner yesterday night was disappointing though very sad pork stuff very sad but just glad to be back. Anyway back to the point about LONG flights- Any longer than this duration I will go mad hahaha I felt that strong urge to just jump around and what's worse is the fact that whenever I doze off I might end up lying on people's shoulders thank goodness for my neck pillow that helped blocked me from embarrassment and wake me up whenever it's going to happen. And suay enough I was allocated to the middle row seat which means I am the largest piece of burden if I want to go toilet. Because I need to make a choice to burden either passages beside me and they will pause their show and actually come out of their seat so I can move out!!! Burden comes in 2 parts because of course I will need to return back from toilet omg how burden can this burden be!!! I am fair and square I tried to neutralise the burden: I left for the toilet by asking the guy on my left. and when I came back from the toilet I came back from the other aisle so I burdened the lady on my right. HAHAHAHA split the burden, nicely done. Sidetrack a bit: I managed to watch Kungfu Panda 3 and Zootoepia and Big Bang Theory on the plane flights YAY

#2. It's written in my 八字 I'm always going to be a middleman. It's kind of tiring/stressful having to meet the expectation of being the happy person, the one who solves people's problems; I'm always expected to cheer people up/crack jokes/make people smile no matter how stressed I'm actually feeling. I wasn't allowed to feel stressed/sad "because eh you are the "upper" (upper referring to a positive person) leh! How can you be sad?! If you sad then we how?" For this, I'm immensely grateful to my dearest friends for letting me be who I truly am <3 Thank you Huihan, Tzelin, Lixin, Claire, Aiwee. Even if it was just online texts, felt so good ranting about the shit I'm going through because I couldn't do so irl. Thank you for letting me be human hehe. 

#3. I thought I could face rejection better than this. There was this afternoon I spent the whole time retesting my 'greeting' activity again and again and finally when I thought I could do it 100% perfect... I couldn't. Mini tiny details like pointing the whiteboard too loudly means a failure and I was so disappointed with myself haiz. So I actually teared up hahaha. Omg I thought I'm emotionally stronger de leh LOL. I think I grew up a lot emotionally this 16 days. I really thought I couldn't pass in time, and at the same time I had to deal with others' negativity as well, it was hard trying to heal but I think I healed really quickly hahaha. 

#4. The amount of heck care my parents have on me is HIGH. On a positive note, it means also that they trust me I guess. At least I have my bro always. Wasn't physically present when he embarked on his new career since it was the exact period when I flew :( Oh wells now I'm back and here! 

#5. I also expanded my eye view on the different number of personalities there are in the world. I need to admit that HI FRIENDS I LOVE YOU GUYS AND YOUR PERSONALITIES WITH ALL MY WHOLE HEART. 

#6. I don't consider this trip as a trip to Japan hahaha because all we saw was just HQ + 2nd HQ + convenience stores. Ain't nobody got time to do any walking around man. It was tough la, training and all but it really pushed us beyond what we thought we could do! :-) 

Ready or not, it's here. 2 years contract begins officially now. Oct 2016 till Oct 2018. First official class starts this Saturday afternoon. Ahhhhhhhh excited/nervous for new beginnings. Crossing my fingers brand new journey here we go again~ 

Battling own battle within yourself so what works? Solve that and fix that because only you can do it nobody else can take it down, nobody else but you.

Tadah.

So I'm going to solve this uncomfy feeling and thoughts internally and mend things up myself and life goes on and life is short, really short so why bother wasting time feeling freaking meh when the other alternative is to be

KICKASS
AWESOME.

The First Class

Hello. It's a Sunday so it's T G I S for me! Even though I'm worried I need to AT later because of some schedule changes. Cross fingers and wish myself luck please don't screw up!!!

-edit: Now it's a Monday already hahaha I typed the three sentences above and got lazy and left for work haha now it's finally the most treasured break time!

YESTERDAY (28/08/16) MARKED THE SURVIVAL OF MY FIRST MONTH. 
Insert dramatic music.
Insert hong xing da jiang congratulatory music.

AND I HAD MY FIRST LESSON ON SATURDAY (27/08/16). 
Insert dramatic music.
Insert hong xing da jiang congratulatory music.

What an experience. 

I think it's the most stressful to have parents WATCHING you together with their babies. Stresses me out like crazy but I maintained FULL eye contact with the babies only lol because I keep on imagining that the parents are thinking about things like "what the heck is she doing..."

HI.
It is 7th September now and I've yet to even post this it was always saved as draft because I get lazy as heck to continue typing then I exit the tab hahahha. 

Looking back on this post and woah okay so I did four classes already and I'm no longer scared anymore hahahaha it became legit FUN. Throat hurts knee hurts but heck it was worth it haha. Now I'm more freaked out about the impending Japan trip next Friday.

SHIT MAN.
NEED
TO
LEGIT
PASS WITH FLYING
MULTICOLOURS
AND
KICKASS
AND BE AWESOME

Here we go. Now or never. Whoooop.

Nasty daughter and the reminders-to-self

Haven't got my first pay check yet but I'm constantly debating inside if I should ever give my dad any money. Some reminders for the nasty self:

Scenario #1: When I come home during a short break from work and see him watching porn on TV
Me: Why don't you make a better use of your time
Him: Like what
Me: Volunteer or something.
Him: Then I might as well get a taxi to drive???
Me in my heart: (yes please. or just do something. a hobby or something)

(you don't say. IKR IKR IKR???)

Scenario #2: Birthday drama 
When I come home from work and enters the kitchen.
Him: (pretends to talk to himself and flips calendar) TOMORROW IS 20 MY BIRTHDAY
Me: Oh but we don't celebrate birthdays (nasty as hell ikr). You didn't celebrate our birthdays before.
Him: That is different. You are young??
Me: (lost energy to continue conversation)

Scenario #3: Vulgarities
Him: Kan Ni Na x12345678910 (wts why the heck will you say 'f your mother' that is disgusting in all ways)

Scenario #4: Dirty sandals around the house
Being the most inconsiderate self ever. Out of sight out of mind I can hold it in.
But I can't take it if your actions harm people I love thanks very much to you my bro gets bacterial infection on his foot.
_|_

Scenario #5: When your parents' fight wake you up early in the morning on a rest day
What kind of rest day is a rest day when it's worse than a working day. Whenever my mum want to bitch about dad I'll just chant "离婚离婚离婚！" and then she'll stop

Scenario #6: TV genre switch- From porn to The Voices 
AND HOLY CRAP MAN. THE VOICE IS REALLY KAZABOOMZ AMAZING LOUD haha what is sleep man what is sleep.

Scenario #7: Permission issue 
Takes macarons that bro bought for me from JB > no such thing as asking > (here comes the worst part) Complains that it is yucky (Who asked you to eat it in the first place?) When I asked him to ask for permission before taking things, he says
1. I am condemning him like hell
2. I have no honour (LOL Whut)
3. He is the father (THIS GETS MY BLOOD BOILING)
4. Everything in the house is to be shared. There is no need to ask.

Hola. I'm back here again!

Was supposed to be out with tze and her mum at Tree Top today morning but mum fell ill with stomach virus and thankfully she's well again now. Tze asked me to shower her with TLC, and I didn't know what TLC meant. So I learnt that it's Tender Loving Care. (Unfortunately nope I don't think I do TLC. I can only do C. I cannot tender and loving)

-OMG TRUE LAZY is when I always do a post halfway and become lazy to continue and just save it as a draft. Previous post was Sat and here I am again it's a Tuesday and not just a normal random Tuesday

IT IS MY LAST TUESDAY OF BEING AN UNEMPLOYED HUMAN BEING NUUUUU WHAT KIND OF FEELING IS THIS SO MIXED UP SO COMPLICATED AIYO.

I have many mini things to do.
(1) I packed my room but it got messy again. Like now it is messy at this current moment. Haiz.
(2) My fingernails are coming out I have OCD I like to cut short like super short no more white-parts but erm the nail cutter is in the kitchen help it feels so far away I am too comfortable in my seat!
(3) Mail out two parcels oh yay I sold some lame chinese movie dvd for $0.50 HAHAHAHA. and a dress I don't wear for $5.
(4) Be less annoyed with mum for assuming lots of things and always touching my table/ my things and taking my cheque that I want to bank in -breathe in and out-
(5) Put in my best effort to do (4) well. LOL I literally stopped typing and breathed in and out. Tze was saying about how we get social support from friends and I fully agree 100%. I am nowhere and nobody without friends sia.
(6) Go to watsons and buy liese hair dye to because my roots came out and I look like chao ah lian I need to dye it well before work begins but then again I don't seem to have time for that too aiyo.

Anyway mini updates...

DONE WITH CASE COMPETITION. Amazing shit I am amazed how I actually joined a case competition siao x123456789 and true enough I really don't enjoy doing case comp hahaha but it was good to end of my biz life with it I guess. And with good group mates and new found friends, thanks guys :) Was really hoping for 3rd but we didn't get it oh wells at least we got our $100 each for entering finals.

WENT BACK TO DHS WITH HUA AND TZE YESTERDAY. For the food of course haha. ate 3 plates hahahaha awesome amazing and cheap. We toured around intruder-max haha lots of memories man. Saw a room of juniors doing calligraphy OMG rmb those days in shufa I always slacking around and getting scolded for making noise with yili. 4 years of shufa in junior high but I never ever figure out the art of it I'm always 'drawing' the word because I like it to be nice-nice but that's not the art of shufa hahaha my laoshi calls me the photocopier because I copy and draw out each word from the sample. Went back to our year 3/4 classrooms too there was a junior in 4F so I took a pic outside 4F instead as my grad photoshoot haha it is only in this memorable classroom that gave me huge motivation to lose weight. I'm more thankful than angry at Ms Chow, I think I was never angry-angry before but it was more of a shock. To be asked my weight randomly in the middle of english class because I was huge and because she was curious. And then after that as usual the friends got pissed off hahaha <3 I saw Mr Tiah yesterday too omg and I pretended not to see him of course haha pls ah I was the only H2 dropout for Chem so everytime when I left the classroom when it was H2 he will never forget to do a mini suan. But dropping out of H2 meant best in H1 HAHAHA is like from a dying pigeon to a flying phoenix wts haha I think the H1 class might hate me a bit last time :/

 Live updates! Am now on a bus from Rainbow towards tuition at PP long journey ahead and I AM SO HAPPY BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T CRY THAT MUCH TODAY SHE ACTUALLY BEAMED AT ME!!! All the little happy things. Used to always cry for nenek but today she sat through circle time and songs and all being a very happy toddler :') Got her into the pram too and nenek was so adorable she was so thankful aiyo :-) Happy start to a happy week ahead. TOLONG TOLONG PLS May work be happy too it all begins tmr!?!?!?!!!!!

9.30am Monday morning and seriously the last and only full-day-stay-home-nua-day available before work begins next Wed. NUUUUUUUUUUUU.

Back from BKK (17 - 21 July) it was my first time and honestly it wasn't what I imagined it to be haha I thought I'll go mad shopping but signs of old age and budget auntie brain so I ended up buying just stuff for friends/food and came home with extra SGD$150 worth of thai baht LOL.

I have work to do now, script writing for case comp which finally ends on Thursday YAY. It has been a while since I last did a presentation formal wear again sianjipua but oh wells it's really going to be my last formal business presentation EVER.

Random but sometimes don't you wish you can fast forward time and just take a sneak peak of how life works out for you five or ten years down the road? I always imagine what it'll be like haha whatever it is I hope everyone's contented and happy and still together always.

Abrupt ending just because I am like that. HAHAHAHA

My Last Graduation

To me, graduation wasn't the usual kind of relief about "I did it! I waited for this day for so long!" I-made-it success thoughts. Maybe because it wasn't even what I want to do in the first place, I didn't feel much about that aspect at all. My whole head was just:

GET ME OUT OF HERE. (Here as in business school)

And graduation was just a living proof:

YES I AM OUT OF THERE.

So instead, grad day was just... a day of undeserving love from people I care about. Needa admit there are days I feel a bit lonely idk why I must be crazy or is it just my weird personality. I need my hermit days but not too long a hermit phase. So it's like a not-here-not-there kind of personality, midway haha. But on the night of 13th July I have crazy friends who spent their time and energy and effort and money on me I don't know why I deserve this. Sometimes I wonder is it past life luck? Maybe I did something in my last life. That's the most likely reason already srsly. Thank you for mending up all the empty holes I have in my heart and making me feel full and whole and loved as a person. Life is about give and take and nothing is ever actually picture perfect. While my family is falling apart with huge cracks and all, I have on the other side some pretty amazing friends to patch the cracks up for me, listening to my rants, witnessing all my dark moments but still accepting me for who I am.

To the closest people I hold dear- Tzelin, Huihan, Kaiyun, Aiwee, Lixin, Claire, James
Thank you for being my non-blood-related family.

To my crazy bunch of fun- Wang, Wilson, Jon, Aileen
Thank you for brightening up my life JC days are golden.

To my lighthouses in business school- Huimin, Beehwee
Thank you for saving me again and again from drowning in biz.

To my brother- without you I am nothing.

To my mum- I hope I made you proud.

This is it there's no looking back. After such a long way, after so many turns and roundabouts and eventually back to the same place, yep I am done with Business School.

Goodbye.

My Last Graduation

To me, graduation wasn't the usual kind of relief about "I did it! I waited for this day for so long!" I-made-it success thoughts. Maybe because it wasn't even what I want to do in the first place, I didn't feel much about that aspect at all. My whole head was just:

GET ME OUT OF BIZ.

And graduation was just a living proof:

YES I AM OUT.

So instead, grad day was just... a day of undeserving love from people I care about. Needa admit there are days I feel a bit lonely idk why I must be crazy or is it just my weird personality. I need my hermit days but not too long a hermit phase. So it's like a not-here-not-there kind of personality, midway haha. But on the night of 13th July I have crazy friends who spent their time and energy and effort and money on me I don't know why I deserve this. Sometimes I wonder is it past life luck? Maybe I did something in my last life. That's the most likely reason already srsly. Thank you for mending up all the empty holes I have in my heart and making me feel full and whole and loved as a person. Life is about give and take and nothing is ever actually picture perfect. While my family is falling apart with huge cracks and all, I have on the other side some pretty amazing friends to patch the cracks up for me, listening to my rants, witnessing all my dark moments but still accepting me for who I am.

To the closest people I hold dear- Tzelin, Huihan, Kaiyun, Aiwee, Lixin, Claire, James
Thank you for being my non-blood-related family.

To my crazy bunch of fun- Wang, Wilson, Jon, Aileen
Thank you for brightening up my life JC days are golden.

To my lighthouses in business school- Huimin, Beehwee
Thank you for saving me again and again from drowning in biz.

To my brother- without you I am nothing.

To my mum- I hope I made you proud.

This is it there's no looking back. After such a long way, after so many turns and roundabouts and eventually back to the same place, yep I am done with Business School.

Goodbye.

Under the sea II

ADVANCED LO!!!
I loved it when we shouted that tgt upon ascending to the surface. WE MADE IT! Instructor was harsh (and vulgar which is meh) about Navigation but we all passed it in the end good job guys :-)

Had a really enjoyable weekend trip to Pulau Tioman again for our PADI Advanced Open Water. I loved the company and my buddy of cos; our team was so friendly and I loved the accommodation. I call it the "zhong-ma-piao" room because we were freaking heng. We got the BEST room which was far from the dining area but oh my god we had a heater, tiles on the floor, working aircon and zero huge insects. Really like a zhong-ma-piao HENG.

Memorable things to note:
(1) DM FREAKING CUTE. ADD HEART <3. LOL at the fact that this is number 1 in memorable things to note.
(2) Night dive wasn't as freaky as I imagined it to be. I think I had in my mind too scary an expectation but it was all fine haha. You only get to see wherever our dim orange dive torch shines but since everyone is together it was not scary at all haha. Magical moment when we just had to wave our hands and there were shiny star-like plants (ok I forgot the name) that appears before your eyes every time you shake your hand! *v*
(3) Deep dive was ya, deep. Descending and descending, 'are we there yet' descending. Felt a bit different because of the air pressure since every breath we take we are consuming so much more air. Goggles were getting tight and uncomfortable, am glad it was fixed after a while of twitching of the face. The greatest thing that can make or break my experience every dive has got to be the goggles! I must never ever clear my goggles underwater I hate it haha so I made sure every time before descending it's clear and tight and all good. Don't like the feeling of having to get water in the eyes or having water in the nose when the goggles are not right. Only had 1 uncomfortable dive with the goggles problem yay, the other 5 dives were fine :-)
(4) I saw sea turtle again! Cute. It was swimming along calmly and we just stalked it as it swam.
(5) There was a shark again but I didn't get to see it in that split second. Sad.
(6) Went to the underwater playground and once again I still don't see how the treadmill is a treadmill. I just picture everything to be metal and wreck and all but apparently if you see it properly at the right angles it is a legit treadmill. These metal wrecks under the sea makes me think what on earth happened for it to be down there. Kind of scary to think about its history.
(7) Got bitten by unknown jellyfishes (?) Is it jellyfish??? We have no idea haha because we just felt stinging sensations and can never spot them. They were around my legs whenever we are floating on the surface.
(8) Had a team dinner on Saturday night and I tried some yummy new food like special ramly chicken burger, prata bomb (sweet with honey and condensed milk, yum), tom yum prawn soup (hot and spicy until I started crying but so shiok) and omelette onion because I just love eggs haha. Apart from that, the menu for our meals were the same as the last time we were here, food is acceptable and good :-)
(9) Jam on the way back was bad, we set off at 1.30pm on Sunday and reached Eko Divers shop at... 10pm? My neck was really painful from sleeping on the bus and I knocked onto the window about 4 times haha noise pollution. Didn't bring my fav muji neck pillow because of space constraints.
(10) Ok #10 thing... lemme just repeat #1 then. DM IS FREAKING CUTE.

HAHAHAHAHAH WHAT A SIAO I AM. LAME SHIT.

Ok back to reality. Reality means go get food and slack before tuition later! TATA TATA

Drama with the mama

(Almost) all day. Not that it is a good thing. But sad that it is now a common thing. Oh wells.

So yesterday I told my mum I'm going to Penang myself but it turns out she wasn't listening/ don't really care. I even sang "allllll by myself~" epicly last night after talking about it. But nope the fact didn't register in her yet haha. 

Today, reality hits and she realised oooooo I am going there myself. And then she does the usual rejection again, "HUH!!! Go Penang before why want to go again?!" I'm so familiar with this already LOL previous versions were "Go Tioman/ Cambodia before why want to go again?!" Then my reply. Oh my. My reply was amaaaazing. 

"Buy 4D then forever saying not going to buy already. But why want to buy again?" 

Today's battle... I won. 

Sometimes if you feel shitty because you think you are spending a lot of money... I have a wise piece of advice:

Please go over to dayre and scroll a bit. There is this hashtag called #dayrebeauty.

Instantly, you will feel better. Hahaha dayre beauties are otw to kill me now I think. Don't stay mad la, you girls are so pretty and all, it's worth it la, your kachingz. You just look at me and you know it's worth it already. And you are probably (or am I assuming...) rich too, to be afford to spend all that.

Ok back to the topic of how I am throwing my money away, in return for some solo adventure because life is short and if not now then when!? PENANG SOLO-ING because Jetstar is $72 round trip <3 and accom airbnb is $18 <3 Heart heart heart, thank you for the good deals I heart you all good deals <3 Actually I'm tempted to go HK and do Dragon's Back mountain... but we'll see.

Long Saturday made up of tuition in the morning and PAH at kereta ayer! Good day. Last tuition in June already, since the centre is having a holiday break for the next two weeks. OMG it has been such a long while since Saturdays are made of nothing heheh I get to experience that next week! Random note: I LOVE THE CRISPY THAI FRIED TOFU AT PARKWAY PARADE <3 Tofu lovers go try it gogogo.

Getting to Kereta Ayer SAC was damn epic. The whole place was having construction and right beside construction there's a very fast paced road like a mini highway. It's my first time to that area and it's quite a cool neighbourhood sia. There's shophouses and lots of cultured architecture and the other side of it is Chinatown! Oh the reason why I said getting to the Senior Activity Centre was epic because it was raining and I SAW THE HDB BUILDING THAT I WANT TO GET TO JUST BEFORE MY EYES. IT IS RLLY JUST ONE ROAD AWAY IN FRONT OF MY SQUARE FACE. Feels really near all I need is to cross the fast road!!! And then there's huge construction area fenced up and all, so I thought hmm... how the heck can I cross this road? Hmm... so to explore more, I opened my umbrella and walked past the construction and towards the road... only to appear like I'm suicidal HAHAHHAHHHAA the construction security was frantically waving at me asking me to U-turn the cars were fast and all then I LOL. Like one lonely human + many fast cars + rain + my shag painted attire (I wore my paint-stained shirt) = suicide scene. Then I really laughed out loud and signalled many ok signs and thumbs up signs to the security and continued smiling to myself. Sorry nice security I scared you hahaha. So I had to walk one round around the massive construction area to get there in the end haha. And today's turn up of PAH old birds was high :) It was nice seeing familiar faces and catching up on our lives, all these nice people made the day good. Had such a long talk with an auntie who lived alone and she reminded me a bit of my grandma, and I really liked the old uncle on another unit too he is so cute and loveable super grandpa-material hehe. BUT ASSHOLE DOCTOR ANYHOW DRAW HIS BLOOD BLOODY HELL THE BLUE-BLACK BRUISES AND ALL ARE CRAZY ON HIS HANDS LOOKING AT IT YOU CAN FEEL THE PAIN ALR SHIT YOU DOCTOR :< He told me the doctor said sorry :'( Ok fine. Bro just came along and told me that I'm too biased with one side of the story, doctor also very ke lian you know? he says what if it's tzelin? If she just made a mistake. Ok fine I shall be less biased. But aiyo the uncle so pain leh... He is really damn cute haha his smile is those REALLY REALLY CUTE REALLY REALLY HAPPY SMILE that makes you happy too <3 Wished I had a grandpa man. Never tried the feeling of having one before. Wonder if we can be close buddies I hope so. Ended off the night at PAH by surprising Jason for his birthday haha he was really surprised yay mission accomplished I love surprising people. He didn't even realise it, thinking that we were going to sing the song for Gary, alllll the way until we sang happy birthday TO JASON then he was major

O.O?!

HAHAHHAAHA YAY!

Finally reached home at 10, walking through the Ramadan crowd and there are two key takeaways from the Malay community

(1) THE FAMILY LOVE IS HIGH. INCLUSIVENESS IS HIGH. Which I love. It's like so what if the crowd is insanely packed man, I'm going to bring my grandma in the wheelchair and get her experiencing new year mood lika kickass awesome hip grannie. I really love that spirit eh. It was so freaking crowded but I see these families and I smile. Back when ah ma was alive, her children always use her illness as a reason not to bring her out, all the additional self-assumed reasons like tired/troublesome/inconvenient blah. And ah ma just ended up staying at home most of the time. No man. This is not how you do inclusiveness and family love. Family love is when you are ill and I love you all the same I'm going to do everything tgt with you.

(2) The smoke though. Sigh. It was everywhere. I know I'm damn anal about it haha but I was dodging it all the way oh wells.

OK ABRUPT END OF POST BYE EVERYONE I HOPE EVERYONE HAVE A GOOD SUNDAY AHEAD :-)

Bu cuo mah this blog is actually 5 year old I am impressed with myself >:)

I'm back here again because this holidays is chillax I have lots of free time haha. One thing I realised about myself is I cannot do long empty holidays for long. It's good to slack and chill for a while after tiring days but I can't do it forever. Workaholic ah? Idk.

I realized I forgot to blog about my CAP!!! So important eh results eh important until... I don't even know I'm getting the results eh. Thanks to HH as usual who reminded me about it a few days before hahaha shows the amount of care I put into this hor? (scrolling my messages to find that NUS sms now). Ok. Here it is.

BSP3001A B+
Strat Management. WOW?! Considering how there are indiv assignments and 30% class part this is quite wow. Hahaha I did talk about once every 2 weeks, probably 10 times out of the whole sem haha one thing biz school trains you is really the confidence in speaking up. Year 1 I was scared as shit and afraid of judgements and all but Year 3 you don't give a shit anymore haha but I still made sure whatever I said must value-add la. You class part and talk all the crap and waste everyone's time for what. Not like prof will be happy about it. Okay fine some profs are happy about it- which I don't understand. Esp when they count your class part as the quantity of times you speak up. Which is LAME. Anyway, I noticed the change in myself and it was super obvious when I was in Social Work tutorial hahaha I ended up being one of the most vocal inside because everyone was really quite quiet. But SW tutorial's atmosphere is really nice, like it's real sharing and talking and discussion I love it. SW1101E wo ai ni. Wo also quite ai ni because you are my first A+ and only A-. Grades matter lor, the better you score the more motivated you'll be. Human isn't it.

MNO2302 B+
Human Resource Management. Enjoyed working with most of my groupmates. This was project heavy. Happy with the B+. Aiya basically happy with all the results this sem they shocked me like siao.

MNO3331 B+
Shit I forgot what's this mod it took me a while to recall. Business with a Social Conscience. O M G this was the finance-students-flood-the-class module haha finance-students-talk-everything module. Basically just let them talk and fight their war in class hahahaha intense shit. Class part heavy too, this module but who runs the world? FINANCE. LOL I think I spoke up about 5 times in the whole sem. Love all (except one haha) of my group mates we had to do an intense report as our major solo project allll the time spent and the effort and the meetings. Glad I had this bunch of new friends to do this tgt.

MNO3322 B+
Negotiation and Bargaining. SIAO. Considering how we kind of screwed up the group project. And when we screwed it up there was a chance for us to clarify ourselves to prof and guess what... 3 of my group mates ignored the whatsapp completely hahaha. Like until now, all the way. Saw one of them in school after it happened and he looked kind of embarrassed/ was avoiding me I think. Nvm la. Over liao don't need to be scared of me la. Last sem to tank anyway next time no more chance already!

MNO3301 A-
YAY :D Organizational Behaviour. So paiseh to say this but I did not bad for my individual tests in here hahaha. Oh but group project... Tanked a bit. But it's okay, found two new good friends in this class, juniors but so nice :) I think the Year 2 batch is generally nicer than Year 3s!

HH helped me calculate my CAP for this sem.... Drumrolls... Anticipation... Suspense....Wait for it...
4.0 GUYS 4.0. ENLARGE THE FONT.
4.0.

HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA the irony of taking all biz modules and getting your first 4.0 before you leave this place. Ok abrupt ending because I no mood to type some more lol brb when I feel like it next time.

OOO my hand just let my phone go and it crashed onto the kitchen floor and fen si an. Always de sia kns I am the worst handphone owner around. Always have random let-it-gos.

I'm putting this black mask from taiwan that bro bought back and it looked legit atas and effective. Marketing A+ and apparently it will make my face a V-shape after that, or so it claims. HAHAHHA I was "WOOOOW so should I take a before and after photo???" Bro "don't be lame it's just a mask." Eh hullo the mask says it will make V-shape face de ok. Ah but main point of me putting mask is just to stay awake hahaha because of ALL TIMINGS THAT HIGHER BEINGS AND SCIENCE GAVE US, my bro always chooses night time to run (time check 11:30pm) and I'm going to have to open the door for him later and of course me being the ultimate morning bird is sleepy hahaha. Sometimes I treat him like a younger bro and worry about small little things like dangerous night runs but then at times I realise freak he is 25 and that is OLD.

We are so old. Was teaching my P3s and they were sharing with me about their June holidays and woah june holidays felt so long time ago. The long awaited month of slacking and TV and libraries and chilling out/mugging with friends. We pretty much camped at so many places, macs, long johns, national library, marine parade, starbucks, school itself... Mug and mug and mug. OH about my what-if-I-didnt-study thought, my bro gave me his pov. He said that it will never happen. Me going down another life path (e.g. being a smoker with my dad/ working at a younger age etc). He said no matter what it's going to be different. Even if I smoke I'm going to be an atas smoker LOL. And he said the competitiveness built up in us since young won't let us become all these what-ifs. We are too competitive already la. Speaking about competitiveness, I'm trying to lower a huge ego of one of my students. Everytime she gets it wrong she'll be pissed off and say it was an "accident". And when I asked her to do work she'll be "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" then I will always do my calm reply "No I'm not kidding you." Hahahaha and btw experience has taught me that the best way to make kids afraid of you is not being fierce. It is the silence. Hahahaha it's the silence that kills man. I am always more of their friend than their teacher but when they end up crawling all over my head then you are going to see a stern monster muahaha >:) Can't wait for work to start in Aug!!!

Happiest news of the day- SOKUN IS COMING TO SINGAPORE. He is going to live his dream omg :') I remember him asking me about how do aeroplanes fly and I'm so bad at it I failed my physics all the time I just kept on saying I think there's the engine... and then I'll tell him I don't really know leh hahahaha but he is coming. YES HE IS COMING O M G HE IS COMING. I am bloody excited I'm going to make it a freaking warm huge welcome on the 29th :D See you soon you amazing human being one of the most inspiring person I ever know :)

Oh yay bro is back I think I need to take my mask off now let's check it out and see if I'm a V-shape now. Izzit no more square-face??? LOLOL

If there was one thing I'm going to say my parents taught me well, it has got to be setting a damn 100% accurate example of what a failed marriage is about.

They are hanging onto this just because the trouble/money of going through lawsuits and the ego in front of relatives are just too damn high. It's 11.30 at night and my dad is watching his porn and my mum is asleep (or pretending to be asleep) and his 22 year old daughter is brushing her teeth and yes I asked him to lower the volume of the TV because why the fuck must these two fucking (lol literally too) strangers wake my mum up?

Dear parents,

I wonder if there will be a day I'm courageous enough to let you read this space. If I am brave enough, I wish to tell you... that growing up with parents who don't love each other is not as comfortable as you think it is. You always think that the problem is between the two of you, as long as you give us pocket money, your duty is done, we are safe we are untouched we are normal. Don't you think it's damn fcked up for kids to get used to parents calling each other names like it became the status quo? Don't you think something is missing when we legit, have never gone out in a family trip or family outing or family day before? You probably don't. But I do. And I'm so uncomfortable with it but I'm trying so hard to make myself feel comfortable with this uncomfortable feelings haha. It's like a solo war inside myself I just need to conquer it but it's harder than I thought it would. They say parents are a child's lifelong educators. LOL I seriously said this during my job interview you know. I explained how I feel communication about a child's learning is important between teachers and parents because a teacher can only teach during lessons but a parent teaches their child for life. And now my words are biting into me haha lika mirror I don't want to see. Because yes you taught me things... but you taught me how to hate and despise and disrespect.

I hate how we are like this. I despise you because you had the power to make the choice to be a parent, you made that choice but you are not taking responsibility for it. Remember how I asked you why did you want to be a dad in the first place? You told me it's not like you want to anyway. My memory is bad but some things like this I do remember for life hahaha. I am disgusted. So you became a parent just for nothing/just for fun/ just to follow society's expectations and that's it. I don't know where do I start searching for the respect I need to have to you. Somethings guilt hits me hard but every time I feel bad, your actions will de-guilt me instantly.

My business friend once asked me if my dad loves me. I said I don't know.
And then she asked if I love my dad. I said I don't know too.

Help. I think I know the definite answer.
I know.
I knew, probably all these while. It was just the guilt, ego and shame that stopped me from telling.

I won't tell you of course. Am I crazy, if I tell you how evil will that be. But I need to come to terms with myself though, I need to face and accept all this side of myself. People always describe me as a nice person, everyone always do say that. But no really, I'm not. You just haven't met this side of me.

As I was just telling my mini-mum...

Parenting is tough.

I wonder if my mum ever thought that this will happen to her. You invest so much in your child's education and for the first chunk of his/her life it turned out brilliantly with awards and prizes and achievements but someway somehow somewhere in this journey, life, education, friends and people taught her too. Suddenly, you are not her only teacher anymore. Suddenly, she doesn't listen to your words anymore. And at the end of the day you guys hold totally different perspectives and world views and dreams. She ends up in this job you don't like at all. You pay for her first ocip and then she ends up going for more and more overseas experience that you disapprove of. India, Tioman, Cambodia, Philippines... until one day, your words don't matter anymore. Because she unhooked herself from your control and she don't give a f LOL basically she's just an ass who doesn't seek your approval anymore. Now all she does is purely informing you. Like how she's going for advanced diving. Like how she's going to Cambodia again.

It's sad. Things don't work out the way you planned it to be.

What just happened?

Life.
Life happened.

Can you imagine what will it be like if I didn't go onto this elite education pathway and learn all these things in school? We would probably be discussing about 4D together every wed/sat/sun, we would be smoking our cigarettes together, we would probably talk so much more because of all these common perspectives and hobbies. I wonder if I'll respect you so much more. I wonder if we will be happier together that way.

Such a tough trade-off. Your child's happiness or your happiness or a mixture of both?

Sad to find myself on the extreme end of the spectrum. 100% my happiness and 0% happiness with parents. Today this wave of sadness just hit me hard but I'm not regretting my decisions in life. I know waves are waves which means it'll subside eventually. But I'm feeling sorry to my mum, a whole lot. Sorry I didn't turn out the ideal way. I mean it, I'm sorry for your loss. Worse, I'm even more sorry that sorry is the only thing I can say.

I can't do it.

I replayed so many scenarios in my head. Of how I'm going to -very cooly- inform my dad "yo yo yo by the way, I'm graduating from university. 13th July, interested to come?" LOL.

or just like...  JUST TELL HIM MAN. JUST TELL HIM THAT HIS DAUGHTER IS GRADUATING??? In my head, I was cool. But reality check. I can't do it.

Today I came home late after meeting Rachel and Tze and there he was in the dark watching his TV as usual. There was this huge stench of cigarette smoke. I thought about so many ways I can spite him about smoking. Like how I can ask him to share the cigarette and pretend I'm smoking as well, or how I can just put no smoking signs around the house LOLOL. But reality check again, I just can't bring myself to talk to him. This is so bad hahaha and it's even worse that I'm slowly getting used to this silence between us?

At the same time I'm not trying because he's not trying as well and... why should I make the first move. I feel tired just thinking about talking to him I don't know if I'll regret this but at this stage, at this moment, right now, the silence is acceptable. The silence is gradually, slowly, but surely, getting comfortable.

Woah. As I'm wondering about lame questions like... when was the last time I held my mum's hand? (Don't even talk about dad's hand haha never held his hand before) It has been such a long long time and it dawned upon me how life is so unpredictable, I never once saw myself in this when I was young.

Ah but nobody said life was easy anyway. Chin up peeps, life moves on.

Whoosh. Finally passed mid-week, it's a rest day today! :') No stay-home days this week but that's okay. Currently in bed after breakfast, it's 7+ in the morning and as usual I woke up at 6+ and made coffee with mum. Oh and I have many random updates.

(1) I was like a lion/ bird nest with my frizzy damaged hair and Watson's had a sale yesterday so I went to get this new shampoo for damaged hair... Tsubaki or something like that Japanese brand W O W I woke up like a bunny. Soft and smooth now siao liao one wash = change of animal head. I AM SOLD. I am your new loyal fan you japanese brand <3

(2) Speaking about hair... I tried to save my lion by buying this innisfree hair spray thing and guess what sia I lost it. SAI IS ME. Trying my best to forgive myself. Let's just hope someone picked it up and it made a difference to their lives, you can use it or whatever, just don't throw away and make my money literally go down the drain haha.

(2) Yesterday was my first day as a telemarketer. I swear my life/my salary/my money/I swear by everything- I SUCK AT OFFICE JOBS. The crowd during lunch time. The attire. And omg my eyelids were struggling to open like in JC lecture days hahaha now I'm worried my colleagues saw that... But yay to nice colleagues and yay to nice boss and yay to lunch treat from boss at Chicken Run! There are so many shops in paya now I've never really been to all yet haha.

(3) Now my back has two bends. Oops. It was never an issue la haha because out of sight out of mind, out of feels out of mind too haha I didn't felt any pain mah. Then there was this free chiropractic scan at plaza sing that day with mum and bro so I did it. And then they had this paper results showing me an average nerve analysis for normal people and my nerves were all shown in red, which means not that good a condition hahaha. Then the doctor said my spine is an S shape oooooooo interesting I always thought it's a small bend only hahaha. Nvm la, erm not that serious for now I think. I think my bro has a more serious issue with his back I was looking at chiropractic therapy clinics... my birthday present part III for him, most likely.

(4) I made my life decision. MYSELF. ZERO PARENT/BRO INFLUENCE. ALL BY MYSELF. Inserts grand music. Looking back, all my life decisions were heavily influenced by my family. Things like taking double humanities because my mum doesn't want me to take double science + one humans only since she wants me to have the same number of subjects as the triple science peeps but holy shit I died in Lit please la I was the most auntie shit ever in class I know no shakespeare thou tee thing. EGAN CHAN If you ever see this, know that I'm so freaking thankful for you haha. Fast forward to the grand age of 22... I ACCEPTED MY JOB OFFER WITH MY OWN BRAIN AND MY OWN HEART!!! Hurray! I'm 100% excited about what awaits me, crossing fingers for this brand new journey :')

(5) But only my friends and my bro knows about this life update. I'm not a good daughter. I refuse to tell my parents hahaha. Aiya even until now my mum's trying to convince me to the business sector and my dad is just... erm trying to get me to give him money. I'll let them know in August.

(6) Yoga is ending! Sadly. My 30-day pass is expiring and omg! It helped me become more flexi oh my! I can now touch the ground with my hands, they used to be so far away hahaha.

(7) I really NEED to pack my room!!! But everything else looks more interesting than packing... I'll pack today. REALLY.

Meanwhile.... some more slacking before I head out to meet my friends later! BYE BYE.

Yux 年轻的时候不懂事 so I have blogs all over the place and my dear friend was reading a post back in 2010 OMG

Gan: This one I laugh until I can die sia.
Gan: Thank you, my friend.

Me: HAHAHAHA GAN WHUT. 

Me: I have no idea what am i saying

Me: what am i saying

Me: AND WHAT ARE U DOING

Me: WTS GET OFF MY ANCIENT BLOG I DON'T EVEN RMB ABOUT IT HELLO

Me: LOLOL

Gan: LOVE

Hahahaha hopefully Gan can get back to SG just in time to come for convocation! YAY.

It's Monday again! Feels lika weekend because it's a public holiday! No tuition for today because yep PH so tutee takes an off day. Woke at epic 6+ again and father is earlier and already watching his 'massage' in the living room. Dampens my mood all-the-time but nevermind I try my best to push it to the back of my mind. Bro and I are living like we are tenants already LOL SHIT. We don't talk a single word to him and vice versa. In fact we never once did have a proper conversation with him, I realized. Sadly but in all honesty.

Oh wells.

As much as I get lonely sometimes, I remind myself that my heart is full I have so many precious people in my life whom I care about, thank you and ever grateful for being there guys :') I think I'm blessed even without a religion haha.

But WTS I get strange dreams!
Strange Dream #1: I overheard people discussing how the only nice thing about me is.......................
wait for it
worth waiting for
are you ready
3
2
1
MY HAIR.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA

Strange Dream #2: Tze admitting to me that Ben and James > Me because they get to spend more time together staying on campus. Wah my heart broke and I wailed in my dream and ended up awake tearing. Guess what's the first thing I do. Whatsapp that woman and make sure we are still friends. And scolded her for what happened in the dream HAHAHAHA. Kidding. But she told me that will never happen so yay!

Oh life updates! I have some work to do now, despite how I'm still trying to find part time jobs (money no enough). I gotta work on Social Enterprise and also OMG I REALLY NEED A DAISY LEADER. Headache sia that one. And I freaking BORROWED A BOOK. O M G. The world is changing. It's called Friction by Sandra Brown and of course I anyhow anyhow grabbed it at NLB. Didn't scan all the shelves but it looks interesting! Crime and thriller and all at this rate I'm going to be a policewoman/detective soon. Been watching war/police/detectives/spy movies and there was one very gory fighting scene I shouted the whole f-word in my room and my bro chionged over:

Bro: WHAT IS WRONG.
Pearl: Damn scary!!!!!!!!!!! -eyes glued to the screen and a few more f-words flew out-
Bro: Omg what is happening to you. My sister is turning vulgar!!!

And then he asked me to watch Zootopeia. How to spell that movie. Zootopedia? Zootoepia. The zoo movie the zoo cartoon movie. I'm too budget I told him how I am very reluctant to spend $8+ watching a cartoon movie unless the special effects and feels and all are worth the big screen. Like how I think watching love stories on big screen also a bit waste money actually... Unless it's damn hyped and damn famous like the taiwan... taiwan... I'm legit trying to recall the name of the show... AH I GOT IT. Shao nu shi dai! Yes I watched that in theatres haha.

Oh another life update is how I applied to more atas preschools that I really never hear before and they are too atas they are so unknown hahaha. Cross fingers for their replies please! :)

And yesterday I went to play the drums but I SUCK AT IT SO BADLY but it was fun. Right after I left the studio my first sentence to aiwee was that I know what I'm best at already... I concluded. Listening. Just listening to music. Only listening. Cannot and should not try playing. LOL Contented that I managed to finally try drums though :)

Moving on with life for now I got to on my aircon again and roll around in bed and slack and read my book.

Life is good la.

野子 The Wild One by 蘇運瑩

怎麼大風越狠 How come the harder the wind blows
我心越蕩 The wilder my heart gets
幻如一絲塵土 Just like a gleam of dust
隨風自由的在狂舞 Dancing wildly with the wind
我要握緊手中堅定 I shall hold tight in hand onto the determined
卻又飄散的勇氣 Yet scattering traces of courage
我會變成巨人 I will become a giant
踏著力氣 踩著夢 Backed by strength and dreams

怎麼大風越狠 How come the harder the wind blows
我心越蕩 The wilder my heart gets
又如一絲消沙 Just like a gleam of drifting sand
隨風輕飄的在狂舞 dancing buoyantly with the wind
我要深埋心頭上秉持 I will let my resolution and 
卻又重小的勇氣 courage take root in my heart
一直往大風吹的方向走過去 Walking towards the direction of vehement winds

吹啊吹啊 我的驕傲放縱 Oh, it keeps blowing, Blowing away my pride and indulgence
吹啊吹不毀我純淨花園 Oh, it keeps blowing, but it can't destroy my garden of purity
任風吹 任它亂 Let it blow, and let it upset
毀不滅是我 盡頭的展望 I remain indestructible while looking beyond the horizon
吹啊吹啊 我赤腳不害怕 Oh, it keeps blowing. I am barefooted and not afraid
吹啊吹啊 無所謂擾亂我 Oh, it keeps blowing. I remain indifferent while it messes me up
你看我在勇敢地微笑 Watch me smile courageously
你看我在勇敢地去揮手啊 Watch me wave in courage

是你嗎 會給我一扇心房 Would it be you who gives me the heart
讓我勇敢前行 To let me march on
是你呀 會給我一扇燈窗 Yes, it should be you who gives me a window
讓我讓我無所畏懼 To let me become fearless

吹啊吹啊 我的驕傲放縱 Oh, it keeps blowing, Blowing away my pride and indulgence
吹啊吹不毀我純淨花園 Oh, it keeps blowing, but it can't destroy my garden of purity
任風吹 任它亂 Let it blow, and let it upset
毀不滅是我 盡頭的展望 I remain indestructible while looking beyond the horizon
吹啊吹啊 我赤腳不害怕 Oh, it keeps blowing. I am barefooted and not afraid
吹啊吹啊 無所謂擾亂我 Oh, it keeps blowing. I remain indifferent while it messes me up
你看我在勇敢地微笑 Watch me smile courageously
你看我在勇敢地去揮手啊 Watch me wave in courage

怎麼大風越狠 How come the harder the wind blows
我心越蕩 The wilder my heart gets
我會變成巨人 I will become a giant
踏著力氣 踩著夢 Backed by strength and dreams

What a talent. I am speechless.
at the same time I also have tears rolling down my eyes because I can't help it
what a moving song and moving voice oh my god.