I'm sorry I didn't go up according to plan. I'm always sorry but now it's time for that sorry to be a real legit one because I'm finally taking some action to really wash my hands off your plan. And we will always, be hurting each other, it's a never ending battle I realised. I didn't win.
Probably hurt you a bit by saying that sentence, 'how nice it will be if Claire is your daughter' But you knew how to fight, too. So you replied with 'KPMG? My office nearby has a very huge one! Rachel from Block 7 is also going there. But she is business degree. Business also can go.' I hear those silent voices and the emphasis on 'business also can go' means a lot haha nicely done mum it was a good fight. Because the sensitive me had to retreat to my room haha today I lost and I was clearly more hurt than she was.
I wonder when will be the day when you can proudly tell the world about me like how you used to. When I got first in class in P1 there were those sparkly proud eyes that I never saw again. Because those were the last few moments ever haha from the moment I got my PSLE scores I knew it was going to disappoint. It went downhill all the way till my prof assuring you that I'll pass my A-levels bio hahaha I think you never saw that coming. You wanted to hear how many As I'll get, not how many passes. There comes a day when I realised to see those sparkly eyes I need an academic achievement. Because all the community-based ones never get to you like how academic gets to you. Who cares about eagles or cca service or whatever right.
Now you're making a huge fuss about me not getting that gown for graduation yet hahaha you want to take pictures with my business degree and then show it around. I asked you take pictures for what? Your reply didn't answer though, you mentioned about how other people also take pictures, "Cassand jie even go studio!" Okay if that makes you happy.
I'm trying to neutralise this inside myself, to reduce the need for my parents to be proud of me anymore. But fck la it still is quite hard to make this work. Especially when I overhear your conversations. "I don't know, she likes it lor" That tone. Holy crap it burns like hell.
Ah ma I miss you. So apt because I was just showing Claire your pic in my wallet yesterday haha. I miss how you don't know anything about my school life or my academic thing but in your heart I'll always be the best HAHAHAHA ROCKS RIGHT. I don't need anything I'm the best already. I miss your sparkly sparkly eyes that always tell me you are proud of me no matter what I do. And how I'm always a kid in your eyes no matter how big I am already you'll give me kiddy girly hairbands and stuff because you think they are pretty. Haha but you are prettier man you are the prettiest I ever seen. I'm not suicidal or anything but I really want to see you again can you appear in my dreams. When you appeared last time the whole dream was about how I realised you didn't die. Ah ma appearing like that is not realistic eh. When I woke up reality hits me... not that good eh.
OK CAN THANKS TO EPIC MORNING BREAKFAST WITH MUM... ESCALATES TO SOME SWOLLEN EYES -.- Been crying since I started DOTS though so it's okay hahaha
Life
Goes
On.
Leggo leggo let it go.
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