Drama with the mama

(Almost) all day. Not that it is a good thing. But sad that it is now a common thing. Oh wells.

So yesterday I told my mum I'm going to Penang myself but it turns out she wasn't listening/ don't really care. I even sang "allllll by myself~" epicly last night after talking about it. But nope the fact didn't register in her yet haha. 

Today, reality hits and she realised oooooo I am going there myself. And then she does the usual rejection again, "HUH!!! Go Penang before why want to go again?!" I'm so familiar with this already LOL previous versions were "Go Tioman/ Cambodia before why want to go again?!" Then my reply. Oh my. My reply was amaaaazing. 

"Buy 4D then forever saying not going to buy already. But why want to buy again?" 

Today's battle... I won. 

Sometimes if you feel shitty because you think you are spending a lot of money... I have a wise piece of advice:

Please go over to dayre and scroll a bit. There is this hashtag called #dayrebeauty.

Instantly, you will feel better. Hahaha dayre beauties are otw to kill me now I think. Don't stay mad la, you girls are so pretty and all, it's worth it la, your kachingz. You just look at me and you know it's worth it already. And you are probably (or am I assuming...) rich too, to be afford to spend all that.

Ok back to the topic of how I am throwing my money away, in return for some solo adventure because life is short and if not now then when!? PENANG SOLO-ING because Jetstar is $72 round trip <3 and accom airbnb is $18 <3 Heart heart heart, thank you for the good deals I heart you all good deals <3 Actually I'm tempted to go HK and do Dragon's Back mountain... but we'll see.

Long Saturday made up of tuition in the morning and PAH at kereta ayer! Good day. Last tuition in June already, since the centre is having a holiday break for the next two weeks. OMG it has been such a long while since Saturdays are made of nothing heheh I get to experience that next week! Random note: I LOVE THE CRISPY THAI FRIED TOFU AT PARKWAY PARADE <3 Tofu lovers go try it gogogo.

Getting to Kereta Ayer SAC was damn epic. The whole place was having construction and right beside construction there's a very fast paced road like a mini highway. It's my first time to that area and it's quite a cool neighbourhood sia. There's shophouses and lots of cultured architecture and the other side of it is Chinatown! Oh the reason why I said getting to the Senior Activity Centre was epic because it was raining and I SAW THE HDB BUILDING THAT I WANT TO GET TO JUST BEFORE MY EYES. IT IS RLLY JUST ONE ROAD AWAY IN FRONT OF MY SQUARE FACE. Feels really near all I need is to cross the fast road!!! And then there's huge construction area fenced up and all, so I thought hmm... how the heck can I cross this road? Hmm... so to explore more, I opened my umbrella and walked past the construction and towards the road... only to appear like I'm suicidal HAHAHHAHHHAA the construction security was frantically waving at me asking me to U-turn the cars were fast and all then I LOL. Like one lonely human + many fast cars + rain + my shag painted attire (I wore my paint-stained shirt) = suicide scene. Then I really laughed out loud and signalled many ok signs and thumbs up signs to the security and continued smiling to myself. Sorry nice security I scared you hahaha. So I had to walk one round around the massive construction area to get there in the end haha. And today's turn up of PAH old birds was high :) It was nice seeing familiar faces and catching up on our lives, all these nice people made the day good. Had such a long talk with an auntie who lived alone and she reminded me a bit of my grandma, and I really liked the old uncle on another unit too he is so cute and loveable super grandpa-material hehe. BUT ASSHOLE DOCTOR ANYHOW DRAW HIS BLOOD BLOODY HELL THE BLUE-BLACK BRUISES AND ALL ARE CRAZY ON HIS HANDS LOOKING AT IT YOU CAN FEEL THE PAIN ALR SHIT YOU DOCTOR :< He told me the doctor said sorry :'( Ok fine. Bro just came along and told me that I'm too biased with one side of the story, doctor also very ke lian you know? he says what if it's tzelin? If she just made a mistake. Ok fine I shall be less biased. But aiyo the uncle so pain leh... He is really damn cute haha his smile is those REALLY REALLY CUTE REALLY REALLY HAPPY SMILE that makes you happy too <3 Wished I had a grandpa man. Never tried the feeling of having one before. Wonder if we can be close buddies I hope so. Ended off the night at PAH by surprising Jason for his birthday haha he was really surprised yay mission accomplished I love surprising people. He didn't even realise it, thinking that we were going to sing the song for Gary, alllll the way until we sang happy birthday TO JASON then he was major

O.O?!

HAHAHHAAHA YAY!

Finally reached home at 10, walking through the Ramadan crowd and there are two key takeaways from the Malay community

(1) THE FAMILY LOVE IS HIGH. INCLUSIVENESS IS HIGH. Which I love. It's like so what if the crowd is insanely packed man, I'm going to bring my grandma in the wheelchair and get her experiencing new year mood lika kickass awesome hip grannie. I really love that spirit eh. It was so freaking crowded but I see these families and I smile. Back when ah ma was alive, her children always use her illness as a reason not to bring her out, all the additional self-assumed reasons like tired/troublesome/inconvenient blah. And ah ma just ended up staying at home most of the time. No man. This is not how you do inclusiveness and family love. Family love is when you are ill and I love you all the same I'm going to do everything tgt with you.

(2) The smoke though. Sigh. It was everywhere. I know I'm damn anal about it haha but I was dodging it all the way oh wells.

OK ABRUPT END OF POST BYE EVERYONE I HOPE EVERYONE HAVE A GOOD SUNDAY AHEAD :-)

Bu cuo mah this blog is actually 5 year old I am impressed with myself >:)

I'm back here again because this holidays is chillax I have lots of free time haha. One thing I realised about myself is I cannot do long empty holidays for long. It's good to slack and chill for a while after tiring days but I can't do it forever. Workaholic ah? Idk.

I realized I forgot to blog about my CAP!!! So important eh results eh important until... I don't even know I'm getting the results eh. Thanks to HH as usual who reminded me about it a few days before hahaha shows the amount of care I put into this hor? (scrolling my messages to find that NUS sms now). Ok. Here it is.

BSP3001A B+
Strat Management. WOW?! Considering how there are indiv assignments and 30% class part this is quite wow. Hahaha I did talk about once every 2 weeks, probably 10 times out of the whole sem haha one thing biz school trains you is really the confidence in speaking up. Year 1 I was scared as shit and afraid of judgements and all but Year 3 you don't give a shit anymore haha but I still made sure whatever I said must value-add la. You class part and talk all the crap and waste everyone's time for what. Not like prof will be happy about it. Okay fine some profs are happy about it- which I don't understand. Esp when they count your class part as the quantity of times you speak up. Which is LAME. Anyway, I noticed the change in myself and it was super obvious when I was in Social Work tutorial hahaha I ended up being one of the most vocal inside because everyone was really quite quiet. But SW tutorial's atmosphere is really nice, like it's real sharing and talking and discussion I love it. SW1101E wo ai ni. Wo also quite ai ni because you are my first A+ and only A-. Grades matter lor, the better you score the more motivated you'll be. Human isn't it.

MNO2302 B+
Human Resource Management. Enjoyed working with most of my groupmates. This was project heavy. Happy with the B+. Aiya basically happy with all the results this sem they shocked me like siao.

MNO3331 B+
Shit I forgot what's this mod it took me a while to recall. Business with a Social Conscience. O M G this was the finance-students-flood-the-class module haha finance-students-talk-everything module. Basically just let them talk and fight their war in class hahahaha intense shit. Class part heavy too, this module but who runs the world? FINANCE. LOL I think I spoke up about 5 times in the whole sem. Love all (except one haha) of my group mates we had to do an intense report as our major solo project allll the time spent and the effort and the meetings. Glad I had this bunch of new friends to do this tgt.

MNO3322 B+
Negotiation and Bargaining. SIAO. Considering how we kind of screwed up the group project. And when we screwed it up there was a chance for us to clarify ourselves to prof and guess what... 3 of my group mates ignored the whatsapp completely hahaha. Like until now, all the way. Saw one of them in school after it happened and he looked kind of embarrassed/ was avoiding me I think. Nvm la. Over liao don't need to be scared of me la. Last sem to tank anyway next time no more chance already!

MNO3301 A-
YAY :D Organizational Behaviour. So paiseh to say this but I did not bad for my individual tests in here hahaha. Oh but group project... Tanked a bit. But it's okay, found two new good friends in this class, juniors but so nice :) I think the Year 2 batch is generally nicer than Year 3s!

HH helped me calculate my CAP for this sem.... Drumrolls... Anticipation... Suspense....Wait for it...
4.0 GUYS 4.0. ENLARGE THE FONT.
4.0.

HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA the irony of taking all biz modules and getting your first 4.0 before you leave this place. Ok abrupt ending because I no mood to type some more lol brb when I feel like it next time.

OOO my hand just let my phone go and it crashed onto the kitchen floor and fen si an. Always de sia kns I am the worst handphone owner around. Always have random let-it-gos.

I'm putting this black mask from taiwan that bro bought back and it looked legit atas and effective. Marketing A+ and apparently it will make my face a V-shape after that, or so it claims. HAHAHHA I was "WOOOOW so should I take a before and after photo???" Bro "don't be lame it's just a mask." Eh hullo the mask says it will make V-shape face de ok. Ah but main point of me putting mask is just to stay awake hahaha because of ALL TIMINGS THAT HIGHER BEINGS AND SCIENCE GAVE US, my bro always chooses night time to run (time check 11:30pm) and I'm going to have to open the door for him later and of course me being the ultimate morning bird is sleepy hahaha. Sometimes I treat him like a younger bro and worry about small little things like dangerous night runs but then at times I realise freak he is 25 and that is OLD.

We are so old. Was teaching my P3s and they were sharing with me about their June holidays and woah june holidays felt so long time ago. The long awaited month of slacking and TV and libraries and chilling out/mugging with friends. We pretty much camped at so many places, macs, long johns, national library, marine parade, starbucks, school itself... Mug and mug and mug. OH about my what-if-I-didnt-study thought, my bro gave me his pov. He said that it will never happen. Me going down another life path (e.g. being a smoker with my dad/ working at a younger age etc). He said no matter what it's going to be different. Even if I smoke I'm going to be an atas smoker LOL. And he said the competitiveness built up in us since young won't let us become all these what-ifs. We are too competitive already la. Speaking about competitiveness, I'm trying to lower a huge ego of one of my students. Everytime she gets it wrong she'll be pissed off and say it was an "accident". And when I asked her to do work she'll be "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" then I will always do my calm reply "No I'm not kidding you." Hahahaha and btw experience has taught me that the best way to make kids afraid of you is not being fierce. It is the silence. Hahahaha it's the silence that kills man. I am always more of their friend than their teacher but when they end up crawling all over my head then you are going to see a stern monster muahaha >:) Can't wait for work to start in Aug!!!

Happiest news of the day- SOKUN IS COMING TO SINGAPORE. He is going to live his dream omg :') I remember him asking me about how do aeroplanes fly and I'm so bad at it I failed my physics all the time I just kept on saying I think there's the engine... and then I'll tell him I don't really know leh hahahaha but he is coming. YES HE IS COMING O M G HE IS COMING. I am bloody excited I'm going to make it a freaking warm huge welcome on the 29th :D See you soon you amazing human being one of the most inspiring person I ever know :)

Oh yay bro is back I think I need to take my mask off now let's check it out and see if I'm a V-shape now. Izzit no more square-face??? LOLOL

If there was one thing I'm going to say my parents taught me well, it has got to be setting a damn 100% accurate example of what a failed marriage is about.

They are hanging onto this just because the trouble/money of going through lawsuits and the ego in front of relatives are just too damn high. It's 11.30 at night and my dad is watching his porn and my mum is asleep (or pretending to be asleep) and his 22 year old daughter is brushing her teeth and yes I asked him to lower the volume of the TV because why the fuck must these two fucking (lol literally too) strangers wake my mum up?

Dear parents,

I wonder if there will be a day I'm courageous enough to let you read this space. If I am brave enough, I wish to tell you... that growing up with parents who don't love each other is not as comfortable as you think it is. You always think that the problem is between the two of you, as long as you give us pocket money, your duty is done, we are safe we are untouched we are normal. Don't you think it's damn fcked up for kids to get used to parents calling each other names like it became the status quo? Don't you think something is missing when we legit, have never gone out in a family trip or family outing or family day before? You probably don't. But I do. And I'm so uncomfortable with it but I'm trying so hard to make myself feel comfortable with this uncomfortable feelings haha. It's like a solo war inside myself I just need to conquer it but it's harder than I thought it would. They say parents are a child's lifelong educators. LOL I seriously said this during my job interview you know. I explained how I feel communication about a child's learning is important between teachers and parents because a teacher can only teach during lessons but a parent teaches their child for life. And now my words are biting into me haha lika mirror I don't want to see. Because yes you taught me things... but you taught me how to hate and despise and disrespect.

I hate how we are like this. I despise you because you had the power to make the choice to be a parent, you made that choice but you are not taking responsibility for it. Remember how I asked you why did you want to be a dad in the first place? You told me it's not like you want to anyway. My memory is bad but some things like this I do remember for life hahaha. I am disgusted. So you became a parent just for nothing/just for fun/ just to follow society's expectations and that's it. I don't know where do I start searching for the respect I need to have to you. Somethings guilt hits me hard but every time I feel bad, your actions will de-guilt me instantly.

My business friend once asked me if my dad loves me. I said I don't know.
And then she asked if I love my dad. I said I don't know too.

Help. I think I know the definite answer.
I know.
I knew, probably all these while. It was just the guilt, ego and shame that stopped me from telling.

I won't tell you of course. Am I crazy, if I tell you how evil will that be. But I need to come to terms with myself though, I need to face and accept all this side of myself. People always describe me as a nice person, everyone always do say that. But no really, I'm not. You just haven't met this side of me.

As I was just telling my mini-mum...

Parenting is tough.

I wonder if my mum ever thought that this will happen to her. You invest so much in your child's education and for the first chunk of his/her life it turned out brilliantly with awards and prizes and achievements but someway somehow somewhere in this journey, life, education, friends and people taught her too. Suddenly, you are not her only teacher anymore. Suddenly, she doesn't listen to your words anymore. And at the end of the day you guys hold totally different perspectives and world views and dreams. She ends up in this job you don't like at all. You pay for her first ocip and then she ends up going for more and more overseas experience that you disapprove of. India, Tioman, Cambodia, Philippines... until one day, your words don't matter anymore. Because she unhooked herself from your control and she don't give a f LOL basically she's just an ass who doesn't seek your approval anymore. Now all she does is purely informing you. Like how she's going for advanced diving. Like how she's going to Cambodia again.

It's sad. Things don't work out the way you planned it to be.

What just happened?

Life.
Life happened.

Can you imagine what will it be like if I didn't go onto this elite education pathway and learn all these things in school? We would probably be discussing about 4D together every wed/sat/sun, we would be smoking our cigarettes together, we would probably talk so much more because of all these common perspectives and hobbies. I wonder if I'll respect you so much more. I wonder if we will be happier together that way.

Such a tough trade-off. Your child's happiness or your happiness or a mixture of both?

Sad to find myself on the extreme end of the spectrum. 100% my happiness and 0% happiness with parents. Today this wave of sadness just hit me hard but I'm not regretting my decisions in life. I know waves are waves which means it'll subside eventually. But I'm feeling sorry to my mum, a whole lot. Sorry I didn't turn out the ideal way. I mean it, I'm sorry for your loss. Worse, I'm even more sorry that sorry is the only thing I can say.