If there was one thing I'm going to say my parents taught me well, it has got to be setting a damn 100% accurate example of what a failed marriage is about.

They are hanging onto this just because the trouble/money of going through lawsuits and the ego in front of relatives are just too damn high. It's 11.30 at night and my dad is watching his porn and my mum is asleep (or pretending to be asleep) and his 22 year old daughter is brushing her teeth and yes I asked him to lower the volume of the TV because why the fuck must these two fucking (lol literally too) strangers wake my mum up?

Dear parents,

I wonder if there will be a day I'm courageous enough to let you read this space. If I am brave enough, I wish to tell you... that growing up with parents who don't love each other is not as comfortable as you think it is. You always think that the problem is between the two of you, as long as you give us pocket money, your duty is done, we are safe we are untouched we are normal. Don't you think it's damn fcked up for kids to get used to parents calling each other names like it became the status quo? Don't you think something is missing when we legit, have never gone out in a family trip or family outing or family day before? You probably don't. But I do. And I'm so uncomfortable with it but I'm trying so hard to make myself feel comfortable with this uncomfortable feelings haha. It's like a solo war inside myself I just need to conquer it but it's harder than I thought it would. They say parents are a child's lifelong educators. LOL I seriously said this during my job interview you know. I explained how I feel communication about a child's learning is important between teachers and parents because a teacher can only teach during lessons but a parent teaches their child for life. And now my words are biting into me haha lika mirror I don't want to see. Because yes you taught me things... but you taught me how to hate and despise and disrespect.

I hate how we are like this. I despise you because you had the power to make the choice to be a parent, you made that choice but you are not taking responsibility for it. Remember how I asked you why did you want to be a dad in the first place? You told me it's not like you want to anyway. My memory is bad but some things like this I do remember for life hahaha. I am disgusted. So you became a parent just for nothing/just for fun/ just to follow society's expectations and that's it. I don't know where do I start searching for the respect I need to have to you. Somethings guilt hits me hard but every time I feel bad, your actions will de-guilt me instantly.

My business friend once asked me if my dad loves me. I said I don't know.
And then she asked if I love my dad. I said I don't know too.

Help. I think I know the definite answer.
I know.
I knew, probably all these while. It was just the guilt, ego and shame that stopped me from telling.

I won't tell you of course. Am I crazy, if I tell you how evil will that be. But I need to come to terms with myself though, I need to face and accept all this side of myself. People always describe me as a nice person, everyone always do say that. But no really, I'm not. You just haven't met this side of me.