Creepy is when you are brushing your teeth and you caught your mother scanning your body behind you early in the morning. “你不会觉得你越来越瘦？" What to say? I said "我不会". She's so sensitive about food issues that I am now sensitive about the fact that she's so sensitive it's just a bad vicious cycle that never ends it's really sad. Gone are the days we do meals together purely enjoying the time together and the food together because now I need to eat everything on her plate as well. She had a bowl of kimchi soup the other day and every sentence will be "try the veggie" / "try the egg, got egg" / "drink the soup" when I had my own bowl of food myself as well. And when the conversation about me having HER food finally ended she'll proceed to "there's dessert stall. want green bean? want barley? want red bean?" It was so overwhelming :-( The whole time spent having a meal was just purely question and answers. Gone are the days we can have conversations anymore. How sad is that. They are really gone.

About happier things:
#1: Took Jill's Year 3 class yesterday while she's on leave. Need to admit that I really enjoy teaching Year 2/3 more than baby classes haha Elijah was over the moon omg such a happy and responsive boy! Only had 3 students in the class shiokkk it's less than 1/2 the size of my own baby class haha. After class we had to leave the room because of the next class but Aiken refused to leave it was so sad to see him upset haiyo :-( He took my pointer and didn't want to let it go haha and kept saying "I want to teach. I want to be a teacher." So we said you can come back next week and teach, he said "no next week!!!" Even sweets or "where's mummy/ mummy is going home now" tactics didn't work :O He didn't care that mummy left (disappeared behind the wall) and even when mummy tried to carry him away he ran away in panic and said "I don't want mummy I don't want daddy I want to teach!!!" So cute la haiyo. I told him okay teacher will tell Boss and then we sign an early contract asap hahahahaha
#2: Dinner with the bro despite STRANGE unplanned events. Dr STRANGE's tickets STRANGELY sold out :-( Both 7.40 and 8.50 timings, too pops and STRANGE. So we just ended up shopping and Long John Silver's-ing whoohoo so shiok good old memories when we used to eat it so often at Sg Post. The new chili crab and cheese fish is GOOD. LJS' cheese is the only type of cheese I love in this world!!!

My throat is going downhill

but

but

but

TODAY'S CLASS WAS MUCH BETTER THAN LAST WEEK
THANK HOLY BEINGS THANK YOU THANK YOU I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

Kiasu like heck and practised super flash so many times it wasn't amazing but as long as it's better than last week I am a thankful human being.

• Adele hit her head twice today :-( and she cried my poor baby haiz. I successfully distracted her but still, so poor thing ouch ouch :-( 
• Alyssa is a happy baby and smiles at everything I do but then she also walks like nobody's business during class LOLOL mummy also lets her walk omg it's really so hard to give up the forest for just one tree. Cannot stop momentum of lessons while I have one baby walking around hahaha "where's mummy?" / "go to mummy" etc doesn't work at all. But still, love. Love my happy babies. 
• Walrick is so calm today and smiled a little too YAY improvement. But still no big hugs at the end of the class haha just a Hi-5. Nevermind, baby steps.
• Alphonsus smiled at me!!! Love this cutie he's so well-mannered and daddy is really dad goals. Awesome loving dad I give you 100/100, really. 
• Okay still no big hugs from Alphonsus but it's okay, Hi-5s for now.
• LUCAS. MY DEAR LUCAS AND MY DEAR LUCAS' GENEROUS LONG LOVING BIG BIG HUG thank you, it's the best to end the class with your huge big hug haha instant eraser of all things tiring/shag/painful.  

Got two huge blue blacks on the knees and they don't seem to go away because I'm not giving them enough time to heal before I kneel and kneel again whoops. 

My eyelids are closing. Guess the time.
9.19pm. UNACCEPTABLE. Whut. Even babies don't sleep so early these days...

Sometimes I wonder if I might have anger management issues.

There is this man who contributed his reproductive cell to create me. I don't see him as family. We share minimal/zero conversations. And I get pissed off at almost every single thing he does. Today morning I get pissed off inside because he was sneezing, the explosive kind, without covering his mouth. Growing up, I always asked him to "cover your mouth please" but now I don't care to talk anymore. See the problem here? I don't care about his health and vice versa. I am thoroughly an unfilial child. If I see a friend sneezing I'll say bless you and ask if they are okay but none of these thoughts crossed my mind. The only thing in my head is how inconsiderate he is to spread all his saliva and germs all around the house.

As always,
I keep all that anger inside me and I seem so nonchalant on outside, but I'm secretly exploding inside I want to cry and bawl and make a fuss like a 2 year old going through the Terrible Two phase and all-

But nope.
Nope.
Just nope.

Not like he was there in my life when I was 2 anyway. What more about 22 now.

Randomly wanted to remember this hence the post:

When I was omw to visit my one month old nephew with his presents at cousin's after work last Friday (because my work clashes on his actual birthday date T.T) I gained a little faith in our society! There was an uncle riding his huge bicycle that has all the props well set for roasted nuts and all his charcoal fell out of the bike at the traffic light. Then not just 1 but TWO fellow Singaporeans went over to help him. 有没有感动?! Many helping hands! And Uncle even kindly asked us to wash hands with his water because they were black from the charcoal stains.

Minor small incident but major warmness in society.

Woke at 4+ to pee and then at 5.50am again then I gave up trying to sleep because... HUNGER hahaha. The irony it's my first ever free Tuesday FREE like FREE WATER kind of free. Like free tissue in restaurant kind of free. Like free eggs in that Jap ramen stall kind of free. FREE. Shall just nap whenever, later in the day :-)

I got reminded of epic CAPT days when I'll wake up at epic hours 4/5+ and say hello from the other side to HH. Woah I'm glad I got myself out of that weird period in life I think it was really the stress that changed the whole sleep cycle. At least now I'm strange, but not that strange. Now I'm 6/7am early bird. Last time it was 3/4/5am- not even a bird please, might as well be a bat.

Stocked up on 10 Zoo/Car meiji biscuits yesterday for babies since Watsons was having a sale at Whitesands. Also, look very much forward to breakfast every Tuesday because I'll get my bro & my favourite Bakery Cuisine after tuition on Monday evenings! The love. Always got them at KR MRT, yay for whitesands' branch! Bro/Tze/Me love the black volcano, is the bombzxzxzx <3 Anyway back to topic: guess what am I doing now! Stocking up on baby socks hahaha sadly my micky and minnie are limited in quantity, I'm gna get animal designs too then.

OKAY DAMAGE IS DONE. $66.97!!! 36 pairs of socks all at $1.90 each. The cheapest I can find outside is 3 for $10 so $1.80 is considered quite cheap but $67 at one go is a bit W O W so I chicken I hold on to the tab but didn't check out my shopping cart yet hahahaha. Instead erm went to report to the bro...

Back. HOLY CRAP I DID IT. Payment done hahahhaa.

"Some people will like you some people won't #lifelessons" (Tan, 2016)

A very important life lesson from my dear friend. SO DAMN TRUE. Some parents may like me some parents won't. Life goes on let's keep that chin up keep that smile up and go with the flow flow flowwww.

I am feeling so happy now because it's rainy and cold out there AND I AM IN BED I AM ALONE (no smoke no tv loudness) AND I AM UNDER THE BLANKETS IT IS SO COSY IN HERE!!! :D Semi multitasking lol talking to Claire bear + loading my new korean drama haha + researching on en-bloc I am finally useful to my Year 4 friends omg. It's so chiem, final year. I am of zero use to tze's nursing or hh's psych experiments and AHAH finally. Kaiyun's real estate!!! I can do some google research and find some inspiration about en bloc! Hen hao.

Another good news. I found something I really want to do!!! Project Hand in Hand by Assoc of Early Childhood Educators. Basically it's helping families to bring their children to preschools hao ke ai ah! Got to do some medical test first as volunteer screening I wonder how long will approval take, hope I get it! :D SO CUTE

Okay got to get back to research work before tuition later buh bye

Yesterday was a 5/10 day.

Why half full:

• Dinner with bro (yay like finally) and mum (who just kept forcing me to eat all of her food and bro tends to defend me and ends up arguing with mum on my behalf which makes me feel half protected but half sad too) We headed off to buy Gongcha and oooo now I get why he loves Ovatine from GC, there's cereal inside making it very yumz. Mum doesn't give up even when it's just drinks- LOL she kept asking me to drink even her gongcha too. Parenting is really tough shit and our r/s is like two parallel lines how do we ever meet. 
• Me: "COLDSTORAGE?"Bro: "CHIPPEES" So off we go. Stocked up on our chips (yes what in the world hahaha you have a 22 year old and a 25 year old who call chips CHIPPEES...) and ice creams too
• Lucas came early for class today and when he smiles at me it makes me so happy. My happy pill yesterday :') When I wanted a big big hug at the end of the class he was the only one who gave me the biggest hug and he ended up just lying on me comfortably it was too cute
• I did manage to end on time and Jill is so proud of me 

Why half empty:

• Disappointed with my class. VERY. Out of the 3 so far yesterday was the worst :(
• Babies were crying. I really do enjoy Year 2 and Year 3 more, especially when toddlers respond to you themselves the fulfilment level is HIGH
• Mum kind of changed my whole room... So much feelings about this I ended up just going to shower trying to neutralise all the negativity and I kept sighing hahaha sighing makes it better 

but life goes on I am alive my friends are alive we are alive.

Today shall be better. 

忙忙忙

When I was a trainee time used to crawl.

Now time is flying faster than a flying fox I can't find enough time to do finish everything I need to complete oh no but it's good life's good I'm good

All I can think of in my head is how to improve the class tomorrow haiz my greatest aim is to NOT OVER RUN A SINGLE SECOND COME ON LET'S DO THIS GOGOGOGO

Blogging again because I'm taking a short break from crying at Moonlight. Still got about 45 minutes of the episode to go haha.

Was making diving plans with buddy for the year end but it's so tough :( $$$ and our clashing schedules, esp mine because I'm the biggest burden. Weekends blocked and I can only take leave during our term break but the term break isn't that long either. And we're limited by the options of dive sites too; thinking of Thailand but the dates we cannot the money we cannot too... Postponed to next year le.

Dawned upon me that 青春过了就是真的过了。
Things like Mt Rinjani, Tioman, JB trips or even local things like random don't study but go forest walk day with blue house, midnight Sheng Siongs with James and Tze, or even more ancient events like midnight maple story (hi hh hahaha)... All the good old days. Not gna be sad that it's even tougher to do those now. Glad that they happened anyway :-)

For now lemme look forward to the epic KHS reunion tomorrow ancient relics omg from 9 years old to 22. And also a movie/ice cream/foodie day with the bro next Sunday. Ah and also, reminder to self: make this Sat's class a better one... I'm too slow I tend to over run :(

Mode of transport to the movies: TRAIN

Yesterday's movie: The girl on the TRAIN

Previous movie: TRAIN to Busan

How I teach my nephew multiplication table: Be a bullet TRAIN

Theme is #train haha. Movie was scary omg mind twisting and poor main character seriously :( She suffered so much, her mental struggles and denial and all ahhhh really very ke lian T.T THANK GOD IT IS A MOVIE and not real life. 

Eyes are hurting now early in the morning haiz regrets. Because I woke up and watched yesterday's episode of Moonlight and crown prince's bestie freaking DIED IN FRONT OF HIM and I cannot do this shit T.T Bro rushed in while preparing for work thinking sth happened but see me sobbing in front of the dying scene hahaha waste his time only. Ah yesterday night I told my bro to donate away my organs when I die, don't bother cremating ok I'm not that useful this life but it'll be so awesome to be useful to people when I die la! I was so proud of this brilliant idea but stupid bro said: What if your organs damn cui then 害别人

... ... 

Still standing firm with my brilliant decision >:)
Today's the LAST tuition day on Tuesday. I repeat. LAST. I repeat again. L A S T.
Which also means I'll get 9 lessons worth of $$$ today oh yay I can finally give mum hard cash of her allowance that I owed for Sept AND Oct haha.

Feeling so blessed these days. Mainly because of friends in my life. 有你们真好。

My bro is out of the country.
I am the only Singaporean who knows it.
Enters dramatic music.

It is early in the morning.
It is a Sunday.
Mother is shouting into the telephone; she always doesn't talk normally into the telephone; her siblings and her communicate by SHOUTING to each other.
I am mildly annoyed by the shouting.
I raise my voice to get myself heard across the door.
It doesn't work she doesn't hear me...

KORKOR WHERE ARE YOU (OK FINE I KNOW WHERE ARE YOU)
BUT COME BACK (OK FINE I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU ARE ONLY COMING BACK AT 8 TONIGHT)

OMG I DIE WITHOUT MY BRO.

Last night mum went to bed at 11ish and she suddenly woke at 1am feeling heart pains/tightness and tried to vomit out the discomfort. I was helpless idk what can I do so I was just there.

It's sad that our relationship is so formal, it's sad how I cannot stand her love language. It's just service and service and service. Even when she's feeling unwell she doesn't want me around but in bed and sleeping o so sweetly- you tell me who in the right mind will do that la. Come on la, even if it's just an acquaintance I still wna be there for them when they are in pain right?? But you reject that and you serve us like we are royalty. You only dine when we are around. You insist that I eat so much but you don't do the same (Hence the pain because I think she ate antibiotics from the doc on a quite empty stomach)

When will this ever end. Don't think it ever will, it's gna be like this all the way till...
Just all the way.

The week after Japan

Hello. 

I have survived a week after Japan. And it is a week of many changes. Not just the fact that I teach official classes now, but the fact that I can actually oversleep- something I thought I couldn't do anymore hahaha. The usual body clock of 7am lost to a very tired monster. For the past week I actually felt sleepy at 9+ LOL. I think this is going to be a constant I need to get used to it. Boss opened so many more classes for me for New Term next month haha I am going to have an international baby from Korea and a pair of twins and two babies on 11.45 Saturday class too. The thing about baby class is the attention span, I need to research on how to attract their FULLEST attention! Get some toys to distract them or sth.

Had 3 classes last week
1 official class for year 1s on Saturday,
2 classes year 2 and year 3, took over YT's class for that day.

Sunday's classes were much better! I was so disappointed with my super flash on Saturday it wasn't good enough haiz but Sunday classes were so enjoyable :') Loved it when the babies respond so enthusiastically. And it was children's day!!! Which also meant PRESENTS and HAPPIER BABIES :') On that note I now have a stash of baby presents for future use at home already hahaha and I JUST bought 20 christmas finger puppets on carousel a few minutes ago haha.

P.S. Note to self: NEED TO KEEP RECORD OF SPENDINGS!

Ooo last week I headed to the West to find HH at Deck and met Tze at med too! I was actually missing school a bit but the moment I headed back I realised, hmm it's okay to just miss school. It's just a moment thing, I don't really need to be back in school again for real school shit hahaha. Satisfied the waffle craving at Deck IT IS IRREPLACEABLE. Ah I was still sick then (and now too, sian) so I felt so out of place outdoors that day. Weird feeling.

It's also very weird to have ALL of my friends in school and me at work. I can no longer fully empathise well and be there for them in all the school sianness... I also can't wait for them to grad and crash their grad ceremonies thinking about it keeps me excited already hahahaha. Very difficult to meet them all since we are on different chapters and busy schedules for now. Finally catching two of them tonight!!! YH and Tze hehe :D

Finally a break todayyy it felt so long since I had one hahaha feeling just thankful for everything haha everyone please have a happy week! :D

16 Days

In 16 epic days in Japan I learnt a few things.

#1. I cannot do long flights. This is the longest flight I ever took in my life (about 7-8 hours). Not budget airline somemore omg haha I'm so used to budget airlines and their no-food service haha this is sth new. I love airline food though I loved their breakfast oh my omelette leh my fav *v* Ah dinner yesterday night was disappointing though very sad pork stuff very sad but just glad to be back. Anyway back to the point about LONG flights- Any longer than this duration I will go mad hahaha I felt that strong urge to just jump around and what's worse is the fact that whenever I doze off I might end up lying on people's shoulders thank goodness for my neck pillow that helped blocked me from embarrassment and wake me up whenever it's going to happen. And suay enough I was allocated to the middle row seat which means I am the largest piece of burden if I want to go toilet. Because I need to make a choice to burden either passages beside me and they will pause their show and actually come out of their seat so I can move out!!! Burden comes in 2 parts because of course I will need to return back from toilet omg how burden can this burden be!!! I am fair and square I tried to neutralise the burden: I left for the toilet by asking the guy on my left. and when I came back from the toilet I came back from the other aisle so I burdened the lady on my right. HAHAHAHA split the burden, nicely done. Sidetrack a bit: I managed to watch Kungfu Panda 3 and Zootoepia and Big Bang Theory on the plane flights YAY

#2. It's written in my 八字 I'm always going to be a middleman. It's kind of tiring/stressful having to meet the expectation of being the happy person, the one who solves people's problems; I'm always expected to cheer people up/crack jokes/make people smile no matter how stressed I'm actually feeling. I wasn't allowed to feel stressed/sad "because eh you are the "upper" (upper referring to a positive person) leh! How can you be sad?! If you sad then we how?" For this, I'm immensely grateful to my dearest friends for letting me be who I truly am <3 Thank you Huihan, Tzelin, Lixin, Claire, Aiwee. Even if it was just online texts, felt so good ranting about the shit I'm going through because I couldn't do so irl. Thank you for letting me be human hehe. 

#3. I thought I could face rejection better than this. There was this afternoon I spent the whole time retesting my 'greeting' activity again and again and finally when I thought I could do it 100% perfect... I couldn't. Mini tiny details like pointing the whiteboard too loudly means a failure and I was so disappointed with myself haiz. So I actually teared up hahaha. Omg I thought I'm emotionally stronger de leh LOL. I think I grew up a lot emotionally this 16 days. I really thought I couldn't pass in time, and at the same time I had to deal with others' negativity as well, it was hard trying to heal but I think I healed really quickly hahaha. 

#4. The amount of heck care my parents have on me is HIGH. On a positive note, it means also that they trust me I guess. At least I have my bro always. Wasn't physically present when he embarked on his new career since it was the exact period when I flew :( Oh wells now I'm back and here! 

#5. I also expanded my eye view on the different number of personalities there are in the world. I need to admit that HI FRIENDS I LOVE YOU GUYS AND YOUR PERSONALITIES WITH ALL MY WHOLE HEART. 

#6. I don't consider this trip as a trip to Japan hahaha because all we saw was just HQ + 2nd HQ + convenience stores. Ain't nobody got time to do any walking around man. It was tough la, training and all but it really pushed us beyond what we thought we could do! :-) 

Ready or not, it's here. 2 years contract begins officially now. Oct 2016 till Oct 2018. First official class starts this Saturday afternoon. Ahhhhhhhh excited/nervous for new beginnings. Crossing my fingers brand new journey here we go again~