I've been nodding off at 9+ almost every night this is so embarrassing like a baby's sleeping timing but I'll ren until 10/11 hahaha
It's a Wednesday morning now.
Heavy rain outside.
Unfortunately father is up.
Missing Grandma(s) yesterday, both of them. Everytime I hear Photograph by Ed Sheeran I'll think of them but yesterday the feels were damn strong I teared a little and changed song quickly. We keep this love in a photograph~ I keep both of them in my wallet close to me wherever I go yay
Sometimes I'll feel guilty to Ah Ma and wonder if she can see us from wherever she is now. See how screwed up my r/s is with her son and I'll feel bad about it. Sometimes I wonder what's in my father's mind too. What was he thinking about when bro and I were born? Or when we were growing up? Why don't he join in and play a part? What does family mean to him? And the more I think about it the more hatred I'll accumulate inside myself which is damn unhealthy so I need to distract myself. One of the most hurtful things in the world you can ever say to your child is the fact that you didn't want them to be born. You just do it for society's sake/ for fun's sake and wash your hands off everything after you contribute your freaking sperm. Unfortunately I'm not that kind a person so I bear grudges and there are some things that sticks like gum in my head, like what he says to me I can't erase them no matter whatever logic I try to tweak them around...
And then I wonder if words are just empty words like the promises they made to each other, their wedding vows.
I guess some promises are meant to be broken. The only thing they do is really "until death do us part" hahaha as in physically wise because divorce is too complicated a thing. Only their bodies are together in the same house whoop all the verbal abuse is so toxic what kind of soul mate is this. I wonder if my mum agreed to marriage just because her age was appropriate. I want children in my life and a nice warm family and all but I shall not grab any man from the street hahaha because I'll be destroying the lives of my kids and that is freaking selfish so yes single for life is even better than anything like that.
Done ranting about family issues I've no where else to rant at so I'm just ranting about them here as always.
我要买一个 ACOUSTIC 吉他
Not musically talented and all but I am really craving for some guitar hahahaha ownself play ownself shuang. AHHHHHHH MY HEAD KEEPS THINKING ABOUT $$$
It's a Wednesday morning now.
Heavy rain outside.
Unfortunately father is up.
Missing Grandma(s) yesterday, both of them. Everytime I hear Photograph by Ed Sheeran I'll think of them but yesterday the feels were damn strong I teared a little and changed song quickly. We keep this love in a photograph~ I keep both of them in my wallet close to me wherever I go yay
Sometimes I'll feel guilty to Ah Ma and wonder if she can see us from wherever she is now. See how screwed up my r/s is with her son and I'll feel bad about it. Sometimes I wonder what's in my father's mind too. What was he thinking about when bro and I were born? Or when we were growing up? Why don't he join in and play a part? What does family mean to him? And the more I think about it the more hatred I'll accumulate inside myself which is damn unhealthy so I need to distract myself. One of the most hurtful things in the world you can ever say to your child is the fact that you didn't want them to be born. You just do it for society's sake/ for fun's sake and wash your hands off everything after you contribute your freaking sperm. Unfortunately I'm not that kind a person so I bear grudges and there are some things that sticks like gum in my head, like what he says to me I can't erase them no matter whatever logic I try to tweak them around...
And then I wonder if words are just empty words like the promises they made to each other, their wedding vows.
"for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."
I guess some promises are meant to be broken. The only thing they do is really "until death do us part" hahaha as in physically wise because divorce is too complicated a thing. Only their bodies are together in the same house whoop all the verbal abuse is so toxic what kind of soul mate is this. I wonder if my mum agreed to marriage just because her age was appropriate. I want children in my life and a nice warm family and all but I shall not grab any man from the street hahaha because I'll be destroying the lives of my kids and that is freaking selfish so yes single for life is even better than anything like that.
Done ranting about family issues I've no where else to rant at so I'm just ranting about them here as always.
我要买一个 ACOUSTIC 吉他
Not musically talented and all but I am really craving for some guitar hahahaha ownself play ownself shuang. AHHHHHHH MY HEAD KEEPS THINKING ABOUT $$$
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