Dive Deep.

Hello. It's 28th Dec 8.19pm and the flight from Cebu just took off towards home. I'm wide awake so I'm here as much as my battery can last me- still 32% now. I just need it to last me for uber or grab home later. 

It's been an epic trip that tested my boundaries and comfort zones haha and my heal time.

1. When Airasia lost my bag. Reason being the flight's luggages overloaded and were too many so the captain decided to keep mine at Kuala Lumpur. Ridiculous in all sense, so I asked them what happens next? So the theory is I just happen to be The Chosen One i wonder if they use random generator but yup so my bag was only flown in the next day. This seriously tested my limits of showing a pissed off face to the AirAsia staff but I didn't because it's not her fault. But yes it made a bad start to my trip I was really quite upset inside. (And they called me late- 2 days just before I'm going back home that the bag is at airport- so disappointment again)
2. Getting into Buddha mode- LESS IS MORE. Rewearing things/ being contented with minimal. Hahaha I lived with that. Thankful for my ever giving friends as well.
3. When friends get into tension. Dealing to handle with two sides but I guess the fact that I'm a clown that both sides like quite a lot it helped to ease things up. It's good when they laugh or laugh at me because smiles are always preferred. Things are good now and I'm more than glad :)
4. The thresher sharks dive. Ever since getting advanced certified I've been to deep dives but not DEEP AND STRONG dives. To date that dive still remain damn fresh in my head. The surface currents were choppy and huge the boat was shaking badly. This usually really gets better once you descend underwater since surface always has more currents than under. We held onto a line on the surface. And I was the first to get into the sea so that means I was freaking first to go underwater HAHA. Herman told me to go down 2metres and wait for the rest. I descended and BOOM that current underwater was EQUALLY strong as surface current. Breathe in and out calmly. I continued to pull myself and swim along that thick rope and argah 2m deep to pause and stop. It gave me great pride to hear Charissa telling me that I gave her courage, being in front of her. When she almost wanted to stop and ascend back to surface, me being in front pushes her to continue and I was so happy to hear that. So the whole journey continued with us against the epic currents till we reached a levelled bottom and knelt down- and watched a movie play before our eyes. The thresher sharks were majestic and somehow, their eyes made it feel like they know your presence. Herman did a performance with his hands, pretending to pull them towards us and amazingly whatever he did synced with the sharks. I feel that Herman really does know how the sharks react and move. And I am so amazed and in awe. This crazy divemaster doesn't even wear a wetsuit la hahaha. He earned my full respect being both professional and funny at the same time, thank you for taking care of us! :)
5. When my throat was itchy and I was tearing up underwater and I had to clear my fogging mask. Pushing my levels of discomfort but worth it. Glad I am almost not sick anymore when the dives took place.
6. Jumping off waterfalls. That feeling of free falling made me think about suicides. I wonder when does the soul leaves the body in suicide falls or is it because of the impact of hitting the ground? It's really quite scary and made me know my limits hahaha as much as I YOLO I stop when I know I need to. Hahaha I couldn't jump that well too. 10m was really tall and dangerous because there were rocks in between so I had to jump FAR. 12m was of course out of the picture, that jump will hurt because I didn't get the techniques right yet. So I did 4m, 2m slide, 6m, 8m, 3m altgt. What an experience. With rock climbing legit rocks haha these kinda things rlly can only do NOW when I am young.

All in all, I'm glad this Cebu trip changed my perspective towards The Philippines. Manila didn't give me that great memories, but I guess city is city after all. Cebu's people are a whole bunch of WARMTH :') Thank you really, I love saying Good Morning/Good Evening like a chirpy bird and not getting judged and receiving replies as enthusiastically and as genuinely as they sound. If I were to choose a word to sum up the Cebu's locals, it will def be friendly.

Making good memories even if things doesn't go as good.

Good vibes only- and a good way to end 2017 :)

Back to Boeng

Back from a short yet fulfilling 3d2n trip to Cambodia (18 to 20 December 2017)

Again, and always, Cambodia.
Boeng boys are so grown up each time I return, and as usual, everyone is as welcoming and adorns. Makara, is as usual, a bit siao but we love the siao hahaha. Sokthea is slightly emo idk why :(

I was warned not to use my heart to think but my head as well. After all volunteerism overseas may be harmful, with over reliance and all that talk about doing more harm than good. But each and every time I return I get inspired by their dreams and all that passion and brotherhood they share- They inspire me to be a better person. They remind me what life is all about. 

Today I feel like a small little tiny full stop.
Even a comma has a little tail to move.

Inspired by inspiring people in our society- people who really make impact and real differences while here I am.

$80/h one class for the rich.

Wasn't aware but there's some painting going on for my block. I hear mum going out to talk to the foreign workers outside my door when she came back from work. She gave them cold packet drinks. 

I felt happy. Thank you mummy. 

Thank you for being nice to others. 

(ERM even though after giving them the drinks, you asked me not to open the door because you always think I am a child and so foreign strangers are a threat...) 

Today at Me Too Club, I met Michael for the first time and he told me "I'm so happy to meet you" He shared with me some dance moves, some funny faces and his travelling experience to Australia. The clients are generally so happy today it's a very happy thing to see. Contagiously happy.

I am standing on the train. 
A lady, around my mum's age, alights at Tampines. I got a tap on my shoulder. She asked me to sit down. I didn't since it's peak hour but her actions pasted a big smile on my big square face. 

Tuition was at Kimkim's place today. It has been seriously a long while since I went there since the funeral. Totally felt like crying half way through tuition because the image of jie coming home during tuition remains equally vivid. Or when I meet her halfway when I'm walking out. Or even when I do my weekly texts after tuition. Or even just her phone number in my contacts list. I can't bear to change the number as "Jasmine Jie" to "Javier". i am pathetic like that. Holding on to the final last traces of her in my phone. It also gives me a painful shock whenever Javier uses her phone to call me. I see "Jasmine Jie" calling. 

I guess since it has only been half a year. I took a while for grandmas,

This is going to take a while too. 

Yesterday I taught my 3 year olds jolly phonics "sh". Baby is asleep let's not wake him up, quiet quiet! Put your magic finger on your mouth and we go "shhhh, shhh" From then on, Wesley kept SHHing me omg made my way 笑死人

Have a love-hate r/s with Sundays. Most shag day of the week but I LOVE the tight big bear hugs my 3 year olds give me haiz :')

Hello to off-days!
HAPPINESS.
Woke early as heck as always but nvm, I can nap later haha.
Wanted to dig my ear very badly and was finding for the ear digging thing in my room. Cannot find it so sad, the next thing suddenly my bro did he flicked my ear so hard I SCREAMED. KNS. LOL. He said it was to distract me of the itch....

One fine day in office when I feel my menses coming, Jill loudly and ever so generously says, "YOU NEED PADS OR NOT I HAVE SO MANY"

Eureka.

https://give.asia/story/on_my_period_but_thats_okay

Point of no return

Sad/evil/coldhard truth- I treat any stranger nicer than I treat my father.

Today he started my morning by opening my door and thereafter letting all that second hand smoke beautifully whiff into my room before I asked him to close it again. If there is one thing that can tick me off it is always, always the actions of this man who contributed his sperm for my existence lol. Damn well-played. 

Yesterday Scott didn't shout TEACHER PEARL I LOVE YOU in class :-( Hahaha Teacher Pearl is sick and also love sick. But OMG Scott baked me cookies T.T

With colourful stars. And he was so happy with all the Children's Day presents. All of my happy kids. 

Wow it feels damn real long since I had a full day of nua at home. Today is spent nursing my leaky nose and even napping hahaha. Feels good to recharge again.

Some doors open some doors close. Am quite sad that I can't go for KidSTART regular programmes, but ok at least still get to do Group Connect with them. Meanwhile, I'm gna go join MINDS and HH yay :)

New places. New workplace means more sweat and earlier leave-home time. But it also means new classrooms, so I guess it balances out.

Here we go. October please be kind? November and December too. Time flies huh I've been here for 1+ years already, 1 more to go pearl goh hang in there!

Thoughts. 

My mum's generation like to think of children as their assets, something they own. Something to boss around since hi I gave birth to you I took care of you. Unfortunately my bro didn't go like what they wanted? He's extremely opinionated and perfectly fine with voicing out his opinions/ thoughts/ whatever he wants to say. I am his polar opposite though. Today my uncle was on the phone with mum, asking mum to help write a red packet to my cousin for her wedding. I heard her telling him that she can get me to do it. 

Why? It's like a chore for them, writing messages and greetings and all, which I don't understand at all. All they care about is the cash inside that red packet, what about the wishes you have for the newly wed? 

And because I'm not my bro I keep all these inside my head of mine I get frustrated and sad all inside.  I am glad I'm not from that generation. I'm glad I can say honest things to my bro in his face, about him and with him too. Not like how I see my aunties and uncles function as siblings. All the talking-behind-the-back and all. Thank god. 

Wowowow! I experienced true PMS for the first time in my life yesterday. It was such an empty/ blue/ sad feeling I was just sad all over my cells. I did random sighs to myself and couldn't get it off my chest...

Until I came home (more specifically- TOILET lol) and realised aha.

So we are going to do art jamming next week. I decided I should draw something for the mum. Trying to google for inspiration- and it brings back memories of Paint A Home. Some kind of sadness, wondering how are the elderly doing. One day I should trace back all the houses we painted and visit them, think just a biscuit tin and milo packets will make them happy enough? Being grandparent-less makes me feel like I've lost touch with the senior world.

Death anniversary of ah ma this coming Saturday.

I can still picture you, in my head, sitting on the sofa in the living room watching your taiwan drama, sleeping in the room beside me and telling me wan an. Strange how epic lousy my memory is, but things like these from childhood are things I'll never forget.

No idea what's afterlife about, but I do hope we'll meet there one day. (Does this sound suicidal - I'm not ok haha)

Keeping afloat

When you don't let your head wander off too far away, when you live in the moment- hey maybe a smile can break across your face :)

Last day @ RDA today. Graduation from one term worth of horse therapy and I'm really happy about Kevin and Zhixuan's progress. To witness Kevin being more verbal and xuan being more attentive. Sometimes I feel so freaking tired but it's always that initial inertia before actually going to the place itself. I guess volunteering always works that way. It's a balance scale style- if that post-volunteer contentment outweighs that shag level that's when you get commitment. Bonus plus points if you get to see actual real impact of your actions, actual interaction with loving kids. Plants a smile on your face. That happiness should be enough to light up the day.

One day after the National Day Rally I woke up to friends sending me the newspaper article of NIEC haha thankful. Keeping them fingers crossed may the future look as bright as it seems now :)

In a classroom

Things to remember. Things that make my heart so full.

When Jaret started singing A to Z in the middle of class.
When Elizabeth just wants to hug. But sadly due to the format of lessons it'll end up blocking everybody. Finally put away the tables and announced "Dance time!!!" she rushed over and koala-hugged my left hug I LOLed immediately.
When Emma only knows how to say "yeah~" Emma do you love korkor? "yeah~!" Emma did you eat breakfast? "yeah~!" And her pair of smiley eyes is the best.
When Alphonsus looks forward to class.
When Mingle looks so shy and suddenly voices up in class. Memory game was red, yellow, green scoops on the ice cream and he told me "Traffic light colours". Adorable.
When Timothy looks so darn adorable and always fly/charges towards you with his two mini arms as aeroplane in the middle of the class.
When the kids peeps under the flashcards to look at me. Times like these it's a dilemma- I always need to chase them back to their parents and because they block everyone else and it's always so tiring to chase them away but it's so cute at the same time hahaha.
When Yijie started to carry that mini laminated umbrella over his head and sings "Rain, rain go away, come again another day"/ When he sees a bird on the song board and comes over to me to tell me "xiao niao!" really super melts.
When Alphonsus can do hugs.
When I asked the class if they like donkeys and Scott tells me Teacher Pearl I love you. OMG.
When Mingle is leaving the centre and suddenly shoots you with a heart sign. Our hearts really died.
When Wesley tells me about his new shark shoes with SO MUCH PASSION so adorable. And not forgetting T-rex, GREEN T-rex like his shirt. When I said "Forest" he goes "Teacher pearl!!! Panda! Panda is in the forest!"
When Alphonsus goes to HK and returns with a magnet present.
When the whole class of 5 year olds always wants a hug from me- but just because I do aeroplane hugs so they get to fly hahahaha
When Chloe shyly gave me a teachers' day present

Honestly the only things that keep me going to work haha. Ok in addition of E and T.

Hi.

Early Sunday morning here because I crashed at 10pm last night after work haha. Saw this worrying news article about a missing diver in Komodo Island... Please return soon. And that also mean my parents are going to read the news and going meh when I'm going diving next time.

Looking forward to lunch break today because that will mean most shag 3 lessons are done and over with. HANGING IN THERE.

It's Graduation Season!!!

WELCOME TO THE ADULT WORLD MY FLENS. 
I have been waiting ever so patiently, I welcome you with my big open arms, join join join! Tested and tried it out for you guys, it's an ok-ok world- people are so important as usual. I strongly encourage doing something you are passionate about because a career is a daily thing, make your days count man.

So when your job doesn't give you enough satisfaction, you need to fill it up during your off-days. That means extra shag and extra time/$ but at least the satisfaction is worth it. Horsey was worth it. I was so thoroughly impressed by RDA. There are some charities that do for the sake of just doing, and you can tell just by listening to what the people there say. I used to be a bit disappointed listening to the people of some FSC. RDA was impressive because of how in-depth it was and how strict the training was, so it was so awesome. I love how I'm just going to sidewalk the same class for the whole term so hopefully we can see progress week by week. And I love how we have productive meetings after each session and we really write down a booklet for EACH child. Specifically. That's awesome la RDA, thank you?! :)

So yesterday I left Kaiyun's house and was on the phone with mum.
Then she (as in ky, not mum lol) came running behind me "PEARL!!!"
And that was it. We literally JUMPED FOR JOY in public.

Life takes such beautiful turns sometimes.
A moment ago we were talking about the interview process and it will take 1 week to update about the result, according to the bosses. And I was still saying that who knows they are going to reply you tomorrow because that's what happened for my story and TADAH. Here it is.

HH has good news too. I love these good news they can keep me happy for a week long and hopefully longer haha.

Ah but in other news....
Back to work again today.

Woke up at 5+ nearing 6 today feeling all hot and weird. Stomach weird too I thought er is it hungry so I went to eat some granola but still a bit strange so I popped two panadols and successfully got to sleep till 7+ phew. Hmm eyes still feeling a bit tired now I shall nap a bit before tuition and claire today!

Today is also the last every Monday morning I'll have it free, ever. Since RDA starts next week. So today is so precious haha.

-

Back and it is Tuesday already. My nephew was such an angel yesterday during tuition (just the first ten minutes sulking because he don't want work > play anytime) my big baby haha still drinking milk from nai ping we had milk with oreos for his mini break tgt with a story time in bed.

LOL just had a dramatic morning. Woke at 6 to pee and fell asleep again. At 6.45 I can hear sounds of a door twisting and turning and I woke up knowing that my parents are locked in. Did a ram/ body slam on the door to save them epicly! -cue hero music- muhahahaha.

Today's morning sky is looking so pretty :)
Puts a smile on my face.

Hello from Singapura. No other place I can call home. No matter where I travel (for now haha) but really nothing beats Singapore :)

Feeling the flu bug flying my way now so I need to prevent it at ALL COST. Spamming the water and the powerful yellow pill! Haven't got down to blog about Taiwan III with my really old (15 years long kind of OLD) friend hh. Taiwan I was to celebrate end of As with yuhua tze hili manjia kaiyun grace/ Taiwan II was to celebrate end of uni for me with tze and ben/ Taiwan III, we can say it is to celebrate many things! End of uni for hh and almost 1 year work anniversary for me since I joined August 2016. Wow time really zooms.

Kind of emptied ALL of my leave for now hahaha. Ok i just did a quick check, I think I have 2.6 days more after deleting away those I took for June. Needa save 1 leave for jie's wedding and 2 for gaohsiung in sept!

Back to TW- Kenting > Tainan > Taipei. Kenting was really a blue sky fluffy clouds clear sea kind of place that makes it very beautiful. The seas are no joke epic. The clouds and skies are similar to Cambodia's! We got a driver to fetch us around the nice places of KT but ya it became like a typical Chan Brother's kind of tour/ would prefer travelling and exploring ourselves but due to limited time in a day so no choice. Didn't get to try the xiaomi motorbike, sadly! Still young though, can always go back another day. Don't mind diving there as well, next time hehe. Tainan was at a farm, it was interesting learning about the different plants they have, eating them and also having an atas taiwanese lunch there. The weather was... sad though rain and rain and rain almost all the time. Last day spent at Taipei, I love how Xiangshan is so clearcut easy haha they made the stairs and all so nice for everyone :) Once again the rain... Alamak. But at least I got to go up and down Elephant Mountain! 

Hello from TR2183. Current situation- with the clouds in the sky up there high. Haha 5D4N of Krabi really flew past in a blink of an eye it doesn't feel like it was that long a trip. Sum it up, we were so in luck with everything- weather, transport and people. On point.

DAY 1: was the most lepak and nua day of them all because we had to do site survey haha. Ao Nang is basically a tourist place so the ratio of tourists is HIGH and it caters to beach-loving pub-loving crowd which is not really us haha. We surveyed around and talked to all of the dive centers for the best days and best packages. Ended up with our hotel's neighbour Stingray Divers because it was the most budget friendly and convenient right at our doorstep. We booked Phi Phi Islands for Thursday... And it was unfortunately cancelled so we ended up going to Local Islands which had lousier visibility and was famous for micro mini baby sea friends haha. What to do, it was low season we didn't have a choice. I love my buddy because we whacked all the food hahaha wasn't sick of pad thai and all that tom yum it was like a food tasting and review session in Ao Nang. We also scored a good deal with Half- Day kayaking for Day 2 because we can't dive immed after plane flights. Lady (guy turned lady) was really cute and friendly hahaha she was so damn honest about the commission she will get and gave us a really low price of 650 for two of us, thank you :) Buddy and I basically explored the whole Ao Nang in the first day and nicely ended the day at around 9ish because we had to go grocery shop in 7-11 and buy all that CHEAP lays. Hotel was fine but will be GREAT if the shower was better. It was slow and hot water came and went often haha.

DAY 2: Started the day at 7.30am, out and ready to kayak our morning away. Packed our extra clothes and makan loots from 7-11 (I bought a choco bread yum and buddy bought this krabi cake that tasted like pandan, yum too) Kayaking guide was FABULOUS. Funny to the max frequency rlly just right. He speaks with a really cute thai accent and says funny things like... How there are so many tourists when we get to the mangrove sometimes he thinks it became a floating market lol he says give another few years and soon we can buy pad thai on the kayaks. He also says when he brings Chinese tourists along, sometimes he goes there and comes back ALONE lol trying to bring out the point that they are quite slow hahaha. Damn cute whenever we accidentally bump into his kayak he will say NO SORRY, SMILE. So whenever I bump into him I will say I SMILE and shine a big wide smile then he will laugh hahaha. Anw back to the kayaking buddy and I weren't too good since we are kayak-starless but we weren't too bad either haha I enjoyed it! Got pants wet because it is inevitable to get water into the kayak. Funny moment when we were travelling back we were resting a bit and just floating on the waters and got caught by another guide, "DON'T STOP! FOLLOW ME!" So we followed him and got stuck in the sand by the mini shore hahaha he helped to push us out. Oh another tourist was a Switz who was in NUS for exchange previously! Did the usual small chats and he said it was so nice to hear all that singlish again haha. He adds on how he loves asian food and he is also concerned about the fact that singaporeans are not rlly passionate about discussing our political scene. Which is the truth haha. I forgot how we killed time in the afternoon after heading back, I think.. We booked our dive and went for massage again, like Day 1. 5pm-6pm was always the whatshouldwedo time belt hahaha we are always stuck at that timing.

DAY 3: DIVE DAY. Been a year since we got into the waters hahaha I srsly forgot most of everything. B-W-R-A-F. Bcg, weights, regulators, air, fins masks. My buoyancy control wasn't too good and I couldn't descend well during the first dive! Thankfully we got our refresher course haha redoing how to clear masks, how to do regulator recovery, how to do out of air situations, and the two types of buoyancy situations. I was kicking around too much with my calves which is wrong, should be the thighs. Oh the fins I rented was AMAZING so easy to slip them on!!! It was also the first time I had OPTICAL masks on, thank you Stingray Divers for the free add ons. I loved it haha no worrying about contact lens drying or flying or breaking up. Second dive felt really long. We went to two islands in total, Koh Ha (Island 5) and Koh Si (Island 4) which are HUGE pieces of big rocks. Marine friends: lobsters, sea urchins, many many many sea corals, cuttlefish, dory, nemo, white and yellow fish, a colourful and big parrotfish, lion fish! That's about it. Will be lovely if we got to see bigger friends but it's ok, next time! Food on board was yum, thai noodles and curry chicken and stir fried veg for lunch/ muffins, pineapple, bananas for snacks/ I had a nice hot cup of chocolate + coffee mix and we drank much electrolytes for dehydration. Put sunblock but whats new we got sunburnt, still. I bought myself a Stingray Diver tee, I shall buy all the dive centers' tee shirts as a souvenir for myself wherever I go to rmb that I've dived w them! :) Dinner was at Coffee Club first time western because I didn't felt like eating thai again. I had a rlly delish spanish omelette and we also tried the famous local thai pancakes with chocolate. It was actually sth like cripsy version of roti prata! Ah we had mango sticky rice on Day 1 too- legit good.

DAY 4: Bye Ao Nang, Hi Krabi Town. While travelling with our luggages otw to find transport to KT, I asked buddy "Oh is it this?" And randomly flagged down a white vanish car and yes hahaha like strike lottery heng. Epic we LOLed. Accoms in KT was very convenient, so near the weekend market (mini version of Chatuchak). Had Macs for breakfast hehe because I felt like it and KFC for lunch because buddy felt like it. I love how we are damn ON for food hahaha anyhow whack. Kfc had a special chili and cheese chili drumlets omg shuang?! We took transport out to Big C to get all our thai snacks back and postcards (I secretly wrote one for buddy, and we shared to write one to HC too) Buddy is making much effort to pair us up together siao si ren. Okay la i will try my best also ok? But highly unlikely though, even that I am hermit crab level of scaredy cat. Ended the day at Weekend market which didn't live up to expectations but it's okay. Ate a total of: spicy mushroom soup, fried taro, grass jelly thai coffee (regret. SO MILKY), grilled prawns, thai otah, thai mussels, ham and cheese fried sandwich, rolly potato with tomyum powder, sweet cashew nuts, plate of grilled pork that's like fatty cha shao, coconut shake (disappointing compared to Ao Nang's)

DAY 5: NOW. Still on plane and it's 12.42pm. Can't believe term break is over alamak. Thank heaven thank floor for three more nonwork days... Not ready to be kneeling all over again.

Meanwhile, tata. Was a really good and relaxing trip, loved the company, loved the food, loved it all.

Trying to get my life back on track. 

Been a week.  

Saturday felt really strange. A week's anniversary. Especially when the sky fell. It felt very very weird. A mixture of emptiness with pain, but also a reminder that you're really gone. 

Sunday was just plain T I R I N G. As always. Since I was absent the previous week... it was sweet when my Year 3s were happy to see me again.

Monday was spent meeting Claire over breakfast- love Yakun kaya toasts yum. Followed by a really long day trying to get my nephew to focus and study. I need to be better in handling his moodswings, to remind myself of his mental health and the fact that he's coping with a lot of things at one go. That he's only 8, of course he will choose anything over studying. But it seems like a trade off seesaw game, which is very tiring. If I choose relationship, I'll lose the authority to teach him properly haiz. As of now I'm honestly losing that hahaha. It's nice to hear things like "I like pearl jiejie" but that also means "I want you but I don't want tuition!!!" (imagine that in a tantrum voice) 

Brought two nephews out for Swensen's and arcade at NEX after a very tough 2.5hours of tuition. Javier threw a total of 4 to 5 tantrums in this whole entire journey. I had to reprimand him in public when we were waiting for the shuttle bus back because he hit the jackpot of my tolerance level haha. So I told him does this mean I should regret and never ever bring him out to play if he's going to be unreasonable like this? Then he got sulky and all, I won anyway because he said no. 

Jie if you are now an angel in heaven may you please bless me/us from above. May Javier still hold some respect for me as a teacher please. 

Tuesday was spent accompanying the bro to the doc and finally meeting my friendinlaw Ben and tze :) Awesome friendinlaw got me a very sweet gift from his exchange at HK. +1 point of approval for you Ben. Hahahaha. We traded gifts, HK and BKK. More to come in the future! 

Wednesday means today. Today means work. Work means a lot of mixed feelings. Thinking about OCT 2018. For now... bye-bye I shall go watch a drama. 

1st night. Saturday 20th May 2017.

First night of you gone, spent thinking about all the times we had. Sleepless first night. Things I will never see them the same way again- uniqlo, pizza, mango, grab car, or even your house. How empty it feels looking at our whatsapp messages and realising that you're never going to be replying me again, realising that last seen is really the last seen.  I think this kind of pain eats deep inside your heart. 1am, 2am, 5am when I open my eyes/ when I close my eyes, I see you and when I see you I see tears and I cannot really stop. 

But I heard that if you cry too much, the person cannot go in peace.

2nd night. Sunday 21st May 2017.

Just ended Day 1 of the wake.
Still doesn't feel real seeing you lying there, no longer joking around/ smiling/ talking to us. 

I'm also extremely glad that I found my nephew's Mickey and Minnie soft toy. Because he told me "thank you jiejie you kept your promise!!" and also "I love to hug them very much!" and placed Minnie and Mickey right beside the flowers in front of your beautiful picture :) 

"Minnie is Baby Mummy, Mickey is me!"

I've also been stalking him silently today. Watching him walk to find you by himself. 

Javier asked me what happens if mummy suddenly open her eyes? I told him oh yes then we'll say mummy we love you! He said yes we shall free her!

"Mummy is turning peachy. Oh! But mummy is smiling!"

"Yes! And mummy loves you!" 

"I love you mummy."

Then he kissed his fingers and pressed them down on the glass surface, sending them to mummy. 

I hope you received our love up there jie. It is heart wrenching seeing Javier trying his best to put up a brave front at times. We will hang in there for you, just the way you want us to. 

3rd night. Monday 22nd May 2017.Hello jie it's Day 2 of your wake and I'm feeling better now. Reminding myself that you are no longer in pain helps a lot but I was unfortunately reminded of wednesday's cremation. You going in flames scares the shit out of me but I'll try not to keep my mind on it. 

Today's Javier's moodswings were quite bad. One moment he's angelic and another moment he's uncontrollable. I also brought him out for KFC and got him a toy...

I know you wouldn't want me to spoil him but just for these days. Like how I had to carry him or bathe him like a baby. 

Sleeping beside him last night made me realize how TINY he is. I think he hasn't figured the reality of what life is without you physically by his side forever... 

But when that time comes, we'll be here for him don't you worry.

Playing pretend. 

In this setting, in this pain, you smiled and waved. 

And played pretend. 

I feel so helpless. In fact, idk what should I do/ what should I act at all. I just stood there, the only thing I could do is to make a mother's day card for you with my nephew. I think he is your best source of strength. 

What should I do? 

Happiness is when you are craving for chocolate eclair and

TELEPATHY. Your yiyi comes along on a public holiday and bring you one. That type with chocolate cream instead of the typical white cream inside.

HAPPINESS :)

Today my nursing friend told me that her senior nurse said,

Deep down, most elderly patients want to go home, but they are afraid of being a burden to their children. Sometimes instead of asking them "Do you want to go home?", maybe as children, we should tell them "I want to bring you home".

Really much feels :'( 

If I put myself in the shoes of a father... I don't understand why a father will go down and have his own breakfast while your child stays bedridden with an unknown pain in the leg.

Shocks me in many ways, level of fatherhood goes beyond negative LOL.

Mum's on this no-eat phase which bothers me quite a lot. 

Why you do this.

Maybe this helps as a training. If I have a toddler in the future that will go through the same phase as well. Oh but that's if I ever have a toddler. If I ever get married. Which for now, is quite lolol. 

Off-day = Movie day.

This week's off days are spent watching korean movies! Caught Fabricated City yesterday and it was about this guy who got framed for a crime he didn't commit. Thanks to the scary world of big data and technology omg and it was a bit violent here and there my heart couldn't take it I srsly had to neutralise with variety show after that hahaha. 

And now I'm taking a break from The King which is about political corruption. No violence this time but just mental violence wow the prosecutors and politicians and media and all that corruption it is a very freaky thing I srsly hope this is fiction. I know we needa take media with a pinch of salt irl la but omg this movie shows how everything is controlled by people with power wlao freaks me out. 

I'm back! Finally done with movie it's quite a dry movie but the best thing was how the good still wins in the end WAHAHAHA. And his gangster friend stayed loyal till the very end even though the main guy betrayed him previously. That part really wlao :'( 

As I am typing this, my father is sneezing out LOUD everywhere in the living room. I teach my kids to cover their mouth when they sneeze. They are 3 years old. What is my father doing at 61. I don't like him so much the only thing that is holding me back from going into the hate section is purely the fact that he contributed his sperm so I can be alive. He is addicted to porn videos I wonder why he chose to gave birth to us just go to brothels la. I'll despise him even more if he goes there but ok if he went there w/o having us then I wouldn't even be alive to despise him. Win-win arh? Having us wasn't his choice anyway. He's the oldest son. All about the face. "You think I want?" My bro says it's unfair that he can actually choose our existence but we can't choose our parents. That's just how life works though, not much about fair/not fair. Humans are so complex we have so much inside the brain of ours. I'm way past the young age to forgive and forget him as easy as ABC there's too much I can't let go. What is seen cannot be unseen I regret to have seen many things thanks to his influence and it is disturbing in so many ways. Now I'm just thankful he isn't watching them now haha mainly because I couldn't take it anymore and told my mum I'm not ready for these even though I'm of a legal age. I wonder how much of my DNA has his contributions. Psych papers always state the importance of fathers in a child's development. And the importance of a good husband-wife relationship. So sometimes I wonder if I had these two factors I'll be a better nicer person? My auntie invited us for dinner and clearly mum has no intentions of asking my dad along. I couldn't make it since weekends = work day but dad could. So I just plainly asked her if he's going and she couldn't give me an answer. It's so obvious you're a bit too ashamed of him. Ok done with long rant. Back to shows.

Third movie down! The Annoying Brother. Typical sobbing movie and so my eyes now are suffering from the aftermath of the downpour hahaha. In life we lose some and gain some. I lost much tears and gained much snacks gifted by bro. Movies like this one make me feel alive hahaha and remind me that okcan you are still a human that can feel. Rather than being usually annoyed/sian during my off days because stuckwithyouknowwho. 

Why I'm so 100% sure I don't want to belong here.

You don't live inclusivity.
Okay this may sound too harsh. Edit. You can't live inclusivity.

Some days in life I feel SO dissatisfied with myself I want to make bigger change I want to do something that makes people feel good I want to feel good when they feel good I want to I want to I want to

I want to 

But can I? 

Good morning again!

Aren't I hardworking :> Weird how I'm always auto up before the sky gets bright but I love mornings. It's a better time for me to focus well on reading hh's thesis (hi hh I think you'll see this soon hoho and yes your thesis interest level wins all my other majors hands down hahaha)

Oh jialat I got distracted from reading thesis because I went to google haircut for square faces haha. Contemplating to get a haircut since a while ago... I don't mind spending more for a hair change now because Aiyo but there are SO MANY hair salons to choose from!

Yesterday I met some kind people. Was waiting at cousin's condo gate for people to enter/leave so I can sneak in w/o the card. Then two foreign workers had access to enter and they helped me tap in. What shocked me was when I said you first pls, then one of them said very strongly "no!" It's was very kind of him, but at the same time a bit sad don't you think? Why am I treated as if I'm of a higher status or sth????? :') and :( at the same time. Thank you kind people.

Hello world.

It's a beautiful Monday morning! TERM. BREAK. IS. HERE. 
It was an epic shag workday yesterday with 5 classes haha when I did my afternoon class, during the dance part my battery drained until kosong LOL. 撑住. And I also did a first year4 class to relief my friend yesterday OMG hahahaha it was so different. Cannot act cute and they are so responsive it was so chillax hahaha year1/2 = helping to fly them back into mummy/daddy's arms or trying to distract them like crazy but year 4 = FOCUS ON YOU I don't even do any peekaboos (which I do like mad in my year1 class) hahahaha they were so adorable too. But I concluded... Year2/3 still my fav age group. Reaffirmed my love haha. It's always my answer when people always ask me the "wah so wasted. why don't you go NIE that kind" question. Basically I think I just love being a nanny la haha.

Nothing new, my throat hurts, again lol. Life has been pretty okay for now. I've got travel plans coming up which give me things to look forward to hehe. Went to faraway mythical land of Yale to support my dear junior and WOW that must be how a parent feels like man. I can't say I watched her grow up but at least I brought them for their first OCIP trip. And 瞪死她 whenever she wants to touch all the stray dogs LOL. But I had to be like that then no choice mah/ responsibilities. Promised her that I will join in with the sayanging of all the puppies this year haha. It's also very memorable how my dear Nicole came to find me in the middle of the night poor girl was so sick and I gave her a bag and she got the bad things out at least. I think one good thing about deciding to lead daisy15 was learning how to ACT calm and telling others to stay calm when inside I was like ~!#$%%&^$%#@!!O M G. Like when Annabel was sick and I had to get a motorbike to send her to the nearest clinic... which is far. Once again proves my point about how sucky it is not knowing how to cure sick people. Ok back to Celia. This girl can act (goosebumps worthy) and she is shining in Yale la pls. And me too I WAS SHINING INSIDE WITH ALL THE PRIDE HAHAHA so proud man. 当年 we go "HOW WAS IT OMG OMG OMG" over A-level results and now it's already been a while since uni started waaah. Things like this make life very, very nice :)

Also thankful for... a quiet but no-verbal-fight dinner with mum and bro yesterday to end off the tiring day. That's nice too.

Haiyaya.

8 months into employment and the sadness of working on weekends is getting more and more intense... Missing out much in life.

I wanted to learn how to be a barber under Geylang Adventures SO BADLY. But cmi. This one honest disappointment sia boohoo.
I want to attend extended family's birthday celebrations/ housewarming. But cmi.
Girlfriends jio on a warehouse shopping sale. But cmi.
More and more cmi...

Oh well.

I remembered, during an ice breaker game or sth, someone once asked, if you had a choice to choose, what superpower will you want? I told them I'll want to have an answer to cancer since medicine/technology isn't the perfect solution as of today. 

Yesterday I changed my mind. 

If I had some magic, I'll get rid of ALL THE FREAKING ILLNESSES in the world. 

Maybe if I wished hard enough.

On a hindsight, that means unemployment for medical professionals, including my friends. But I'm sure they will get great jobs elsewhere since they are great anw. Absolutely hate that helplessness when I see someone in pain and idk the answer to stop that pain and it really sucks so bad. 

Even worse when it's my bro :(

I have this problem with myself- I get ticked off by my own family. 

One problem that big families may have is how they grew up vying for attention and that tension separates them apart. This particular tension is freaking evident in my own family. So I was on the phone call with my eldest auntie a few minutes ago.

Aunt: Wah you very hardworking hor, every Monday go find 谁的儿子.
Me: Ya, Javier.
Aunt: Why Javier never listen to Jasmine meh?
Me: No ah. He listens to Jasmine jiejie.
Aunt: Then why Jasmine half-day work only Jasmine cannot ownself teach.
Me: (I was already 50% annoyed already. I don't understand why my aunt has to talk in such a degrading tone about my cousin, who has cancer) Er sometimes she's quite tired.
Aunt: Then you teach what? Everything?
Me: No leh english and maths only.
Aunt: Why chinese never.
Me: Chinese I'm not good.
Aunt: Nowadays chinese hanyu pinyin difficult. My grandson can even teach me eh!!! (Now I'm 70% annoyed. The point of convo with her is always driven back to how great her grandsons are)

I don't get it.
What's a family about when you do such comparisons within yourselves?
What's the point?

And I get ticked off by my own father, as usual, all the time. Even today.

Maybe one of the reason why I'm so into The Return of Superman show is how all that fatherly love fascinates me. I find myself smiling to the show most of the time because children = adorbs and that interaction with papa = aborbs. I have to admit some part of me is horribly envious too haha. I envy how they can spend time with their dads and even tell their dad I love you/ vice versa. I've never done that my whole life and I guess I'll never do it because I'll be lying to myself. I don't even remember when was the last time I ever had a meal with my father. I know I definitely didn't hold his hands before. My family doesn't do hugs so hugging is out of the picture. Only bro and I. Or when we flatten each other like roti prata on the bed as our tactic to wake each other up. Come to think of it, I don't know when was the last time I even tried my best to know my dad, or vice versa. I can be sour grapes about all these but truth is, I'll never do it in real life.

So today I realised why he keeps bringing out all the dry clothes. Even though mum said no because bird shit risk. And even though I already brought them in. So in essence he dislikes what I actually love. Hahahaha I LOVE DETERGENT. Esp when I had full control over all of my clothes back in CAPT, I SPAM detergent like nobody's business hahaha James and Tze will always "SIAO AH" LOL I love nice-smelling clothes :p And on a useful note, I have endless soap that friends can borrow too. Back to topic, I came to a realisation that father was drying them out because he was trying to get rid of all traces of any smell hahaha. Because he said got smell = not clean and detergent causes cancer.

I get annoyed so easily, how can I even try to understand him better?

Recently I got a bit disgusted with myself too.
When I was walking back during lunch break last week, a man approached me for money. I didn't give him. Then it hit me. First stage: regret. What if the man really needed it urgently? What if something bad happens to him when he doesn't have that cash? Second stage: shame. Who am I to ask people to help others when me myself... I don't? And the fact that I didn't give him cash- didn't that show much more about who I truly am? That deep down I'm selfish? Third stage: trying to alleviate that guilt. My friend told me that I can imagine the man to be selling a pen for money. If that happened, it's true... I wouldn't buy the pen too. And then another thought popped into my head. Omg so I have been evil all these while. With or without pen-selling, I don't help others. Fourth stage: trying to forget- But evidently not happening because of the fact that I AM WRITING IT DOWN NOW HERE LOL IT IS SO FRESH AND STUCK IN MY HEAD PLEASE.

Aiya shit happens and lessons are learnt. Move on.

Slept for only about 5+ hours last night but up at 6am once again.
Currently on an island.
Lit up this yankee candle xin got me for my birthday
It's called "island spa"

Not on the island anymore.
Dozed off for an hour after breakfast with mum

REALITY BEGINS TOMORROW.
Oh man.

Conversations with her husband.

Him: There's a dumpling in the fridge. You want eat?
Me: Been there a few days. Why you don't want? You eat la.
Him: I scared spoil.
Me: Oh. You think it's spoilt so you ask me to eat.

Silence.

Proves my point in prev post.

Cute moments in life are worth to note.

like when I hear my mother chanting to herself during the Sheng Siong show. When the participant need choose a box to win, it's either box Sheng or Siong or Chao or Shi. Yesterday she was going "Siong Siong Siong!" to herself in the living room and that made me laugh to myself in my room. 

There's this quote that says how we are too busy growing up, we forget that they are growing old. Ok or rather, in my case, I forget that she is growing old. Because I can't come to any conclusion about the presence/ or any % of love I have for her husband HAHA. 

This week feels like a dream and this dream is going to end today. Sometimes it doesn't hit me that I am seriously classified as a working adult. And I keep on telling and stressing to my friends, how important is that shining golden period BEFORE you begin work. It's the only time in your life you are a FREE BIRD, not bounded by any amount of leave/ or school/ or whatever. 

BBA is so different now. 

2017 = 3 years direct honours, compulsory global experience and compulsory internship. All these new conditions also means that people like me is out of the system LOL. People who waste slots in the school and reduce chances for other better people to enter. I am sorry. Sometimes I look back and think hmm maybe I should have gone for an internship. Because I can then really really 100% confirm-chop-stamp conclude that it isn't for me. Sometimes I look back and think hmm maybe I should have gone for SEP. But not much for this point because I know how my brain works haha. I am already who I am at this ripe old age. Regardless of how my mum says "go la! money I pay, can earn back" it's not going to change my auntie-mentality. Spending that $10-15k on myself in one go during SEP is sth I am certain, will never ever happen in this life. If I really do, I must be possessed hahahahahaha. 

Ok bye time to do some thesis I am so hardworking :')

NEED. TO. RANT.

I had enough with strange things happening in the world. WTF IS WRONG.

Just read an article from Straits Times about one man who killed 19 residents in a disability centre in Japan: Satoshi Uematsu claimed he was on a self-styled mission to rid the world of people with mental illness when he allegedly carried out the attack at the Tsukui Yamayuri-en (Tsukui Lily Garden) care centre, south of Tokyo, on July 26, 2016.

And then just yesterday night I read all sorts of freak accidents in our own country. I don't care if it's happening here or Japan or Asia or anywhere else. 

What's wrong guys. 
Why do you do this. 
You're alive you're breathing and living and why do you hurt others and hurt yourself in the process 

OMG I need to go shower and drain away all these sadness and darkness and what not. 

Shit. 

Hello.

3.35am now. On the bed. In the dark. Woke up at 3 randomly and suddenly from the pain, but feeling both relieved and enlightened haha. Because I truly felt the essence of 习惯就好.

Every time I swallow it feels like I am 吞ing 剑 😂 Yesterday was pretty epic. I KNEW it was wisdom tooth's problem but I sure didn't know I would be plucking it out ON THE SPOT LOL expectations v.s reality. I thought dentist will diagnose and go like, okay let's schedule appointment for surgery another day etc etc but NO

Okay let's get it out.

SHIT. HAHAHAHA. Then after it was out I couldn't feel a thing on my left, it just got big and swollen and sian it hurt when injection of anaesthesia took place.

When I came home bro told me it is going to hurt like **** (LOL) and the pain was worst than his fracture. I told him okay I am not going to cry!!! That was when the anaesthesia was still there. Anw, thank you koko for the mental prep haha I honestly appreciate it.

Bloody shit (literally bloody also haha) one hour later, TEARS FLOW DOWN MY EYES like I couldn't help it machiam acting melodrama all by myself we laughed at me omg the last time I had this uncontrollable tears thing was when ah ma left I can't believe it can be physically pain until like that HAHAHA ok but ah ma's version I couldn't stop. This, I could, after a while. But there was this certain moment OH MY GOD it was unbearable I went to my bro's room and wailed like a baby LOL "KORKOR VERY PAIN" and cry and cry and then stopped. Felt better after all that epic drama HAHAHA.

Then I got used to it. I was trying so hard to get use to the pain ASAP and tadah, rlly works. #lifelesson

3.50am now. Time to go back to sleep. What an experience!

23.

Old fart is me.

When I was younger, birthdays meant (FREE hohoho) swensens ice cream and presents and balloons. When I am old as heck now... I come to give zero care about presents hahaha. Birthdays mean reunion with friends I love, esp when everybody is busy with our different stages of life now.

Thankful that everyone is healthy and well, though none of us are actually at the contented-happy stage of life now but I believe we'll get there... right? hahahha

Received much love on 18th Feb, xiexienimen.

<3

国宝。

Yesterday I was chilling at Pasir Ris Library before tuition and an elderly lady came down to sit beside me. She had a book about the history of peranakans and she asked me how to read the author's name. And started to flip the book and showed me the pictures of a lady from ancient time wearing a nice traditional dress. It was a very cute moment it made me miss my grandma. Has been a LONG time since I last interacted with old people. My hokkien is slowly going to degenerate and die haha, given my wonderful memory skills.

Somedays I think about life and try hard to find volunteering opportunties that can make life more exciting. But still no good news from Proj Hand in Hand yet. But somedays I am just so tired and can laze in bed for a long while. Somedays I get contented with life but somedays I don't. Humans ah. Hard to please.

Caught SPLIT yesterday and it was good.

It's scary to be scared of our own people.
As much as Kevin was supposedly the 'bad guy'/the 'beast' as what they called it in the movie, I appreciate how the writer showed us how human he can be. His dissociative identity disorder was mainly caused by his trauma as a victim of abuse. Which is really sad. And the saddest scene that was extremely T.T was the part when he switched back to his own truest personality and realised he killed Dr Fletcher. And he quickly told the girl where the gun was and asked her to kill him, with a please at the end. OMG that scene ah. Is srsly T.T to the max. Fighting his own battles with himself, how painful is that :'( I like how the movie subtly raised awareness about this mental illness though. Ya la we are damn scared that he'll kill everybody, that's the main story- but after it all I kind of felt ashamed of myself for feeling so leh. To be scared of our own people. I felt so disrespectful and rude and everything. Kevin has his own battles to fight but everyone's fighting against him.

感触良多。

Anyway it was a good day because TIONG BAHRU BAKERY BREAKFAST :p
Yum. Finally got my curly wirly angmoh pastry I L O V E. Finally passed to LX the tok kong kopi powder from Cambodia too. Ketchup with my dear friend, same old, same constant.

Consecutive days of yum. Previous day was Korean Fried Chicken at Tjong Katong w the bro and mum which made me REALLY TOO FULL after that. I had two of my favourites haha omelette and chicken and bro knew I wanted the omelette but didn't wna order because HELLO $18. Ridiculous 18. But he is a sweat bear and bought <3 I treat it as my bday dinner since it was my chinese birthday anyway.

Growing up... birthdays really mean less and less. There used to be some excitement with birthdays. We do surprises and we used to do our usual huge helium balloons (always from parkway parade) hahaha back in sec school and the birthday girl/boy needs to carry that mega balloon around school the whole day so the whole freaking world knows hahaha. And recess time meant birthday cake and the usual awkward birthday song when you awkwardly don't know what to do when people sing. But everyone still does it and shower you with a lot of love the whole day until you reached the quota for attention your whole year. Cute la us. Now we are still cute but we are all old and gone is the energy to do all of these and now the brain thinks that $$ on balloon is not that wise haha.

F!!!! I just read an article about a mother hiding decomposing remains of her six babies in lockers. I cannot. I need to say that this is really W T F.

When can we fix the world? (Ok who am I to say this though) But still. 2017 please be better la, pls.

Restart and Refresh

Words on 初一
HAPPY NEW YEAR :-)

Yesterday I slept at 3am. Record breaking for 2017. Bagus.
Went to find my grandmama at 1am, miss you ah ma! I hope you can enter my dreams.

Words on 初二
LOL I got lazy to type, hence the short 初一 words. Let's do a recap of yesterday-
Yesterday ended late and bro and I grabbed home with bro, driver was a really friendly malay family man. People like him give me lots of hope for a nice picture perfect family. I think that takes 10% luck (such that your child's personality matches yours well) and 90% effort to raise them well/give them a wholesome family experience and shower them with so much love but not overboard because spoilt kids are a no. In this case, I have 0% of the above with my father, probably 30% with my mother because she spends lots of $ for tuition and stuff like swimming classes when we were young. Sometimes I daydream about the future and it would be so sweet to have a family of my own. My cousin in law who's 25 just gave me angbaos for the first time since they just got married not long ago and she was so cute and excited about it. She says it's so strange to give me since we are of the same age haha. I will love to experience that when I grow up as well, giving angbaos to kids and watching their reactions which is much cute. But then I don't have much time to grow up la LOL 23 now eh time is tight but luck is low so aiya sui bian.

My mum is on the phone and I have my door closed but I can hear the whole convo loud and clear that's the volume of the voice and she repeated the same sentence 6+ times. Haha small things like these that make my bro and I feel mildly annoyed. Yesterday night was a good reminder how I shouldn't spill too much to her again. I feel that my feelings towards my father and her are always on a pendulum, some days I want to be a good daughter, some days I regret trying to be one. That's why I consider myself to be a rather bad daughter all in all. When the year started I thought I'll be a good daughter and get myself closer to her/ share more about my life but I regret it so badly yesterday. My bro is def on the no-sharing-policy haha that's for sure, he's a man of his words haha. I shared a bit too much with my mum and she ended up loud-speaker-ing it to everyone. Bro gave me the I-pity-you look and also the I-ALWAYS-told-you-not-to look and I wished I could be firm like him. Anyway what's done is done so yep I'll learn.

It's a bit sad to find ourselves in such a scenario but life is not a bed of roses. Maybe it's a give and take? If I have kickass awesome friends I don't have kickass awesome family. Bro's temper was stubborn like mad yesterday aiyo it kind of spoiled my early afternoon mood but I complained to my friends and healed :D

As usual I am a piece of useless lazy shit guess what I didn't do my spring cleaning! Because SG is spring all year round, spring can come another day :-) #smart I'm also really happy at the thought that today is still Sunday. I'm quite far away from work! My paternal cousin still think I'm in my last year of uni, good/ young is good. And it's really hard to explain about my job to people. Right brain education is usually a ??? but if I say early childhood edu they'll think it's kindergarten. Sui bian bah haha same same but different.

Time check- 12.30pm and I'm bored. Hopefully today's gng to be alright :-)

It has been raining non-stop since yesterday omg epic it feels like Japan. Japan was so rainy that time when we went. Wouldn't want to repeat Japan experience again though haha it's more stressful than almost anything.

Yesterday I earned my $50 from waitressing from 5-10. Hello F&B again it has been a while. The last time I did F&B was way back when I was 18. Nah not the kind of industry I like, thankful for kind customers but it's too routine a task it can get quite boring. Got my whole black flats soaked because the kitchen was wet but on a brighter side I'm so heng I didn't wear the white shoes instead. Anyway my flats were dying with a big hole and my friend at work keep on asking me to buy. "Tolong la pls" she says haha. So the flats died yesterday and my mum opened the big main garbage door for me to throw it away and right after I threw it down I went "AH!!!!" Stupid things I do- I threw my socks tgt with the flats. But never mind, not too big a deal haha.

It's 4 more days to Chinese New Year and I have a sad update:

CNY Eve dinner doesn't include any crabs.

No pepper crab
No chill crab
No mantou
Nothing.

I am sad.

Hello.

I am currently at Dr Sia's waiting for my turn since a while ago hmmmm it's a long wait so here I am. Life has been pretty neutral for now which is not bad and yet not best at the same time, so it's jiu hai hao. I am once again down with the flu and throat and phlegm combi it's damn epic how MANY times I fall sick ever since I started working omg I don't even get to fall sick when I was schooling.

To more happy stuff:
Yest I got my big hug from Alphonsus! Hehehe. He gave me a Christmas special and now a CNY special! Usually this baby is just too shy a baby hahaha so cute la I love his smiley happy face. He will be stoney then it will light up with a big bright SMILE! Wahahaha cutie.

Finally reunited with my fav trio at our old location! I miss us and I miss those nights terribly. James is as usual rich as crazy and so we got a drive in his BEAUTIFUL white audi. Omg I didn't rlly have a fav car brand but I like how cool audi looks. It is white and it has brown coloured leather seats. Chio ah! Only thing is the back seats are a bit narrow at the legs area so it gets hard to get off and in. I guess its not a family type of car, its a i am cool car. We went to eat buffet at JEM and to Starbucks and James gave up his gymming because he decided we > gym. 有没有感动?! so rare he tian mi mi but ya used up his kind quota for the year ahahaha.

Met Yuhua after that haha old good friends are friends to keep forever~ Blessed. Gave him a belated birthday cake and we don't even bother to do any sort of surprise. Signs of old age. Ben gave me a lift after that and since it's his bday soon in Feb and I won't be seeing him because of exchange I gave him the usual Starbucks cake I always gave to him. Hahaha throwback to last year when they weren't even officially tgt yet I rmb how I bought him a cake at Starbucks because he was hiding from the ROC guys because... Birthdays are tear underwear days. Am glad we are at this stage of life now, past the childish days, am glad I am friends with my friend's other half, will rlly like to be friends with all of my friend's other halves too. That being said, my single friends rlly deserve to find an awesome other halves. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong, I think my friends are perfect they should be basking in love and happiness asap. Maybe timing? Timing isn't right for now? We'll see.

Time check: 11.07 aiyo it has been so long and I still have one guy before me. SIAN. My bro's breakfast is becoming lunch already hahaha. CNY is coming I am happy because it means rest and slack time. A bit scared of awkward times esp with paternal side we are sooo foreign haha but nvm. Whatever it is I have someone called big brother wahaha shield me from all these. I am VERY looking forward to CRABS PLS. I pray hard there is a crav for cny eve din. I love them and they come so rarely because gui si ren. I am also looking forward to yusheng! I like the crackers with the veggies. Not the raw fish though. Love letters are also my fav. Only type of love letters I get are those I eat. Sad anot?! LOL

Yay done with the doctor finally! That means I am saying bye too!

Bye!

快乐其实很简单。

Make the best of everything you have,
even if you don't have much.

First upsetting day of 2017.

Today's weather forecast in my skies- gloomy dark clouds 

because I'm sad over some things that can't be changed, sad over some things that changed. Rather than trying to change things because things can't work that way, I guess the best I can do for myself is to make sure I don't consciously be reminded of it. I need to find new motivations/ new focus/ new distractions. Because it's a trick to play with your mind- if the dirt is huge, get a larger dustpan. 

Make the dirt smaller. 

2016.

Challenging trying to crack my brains and recall what's up this 2016 hahaha but I remember some things...

THE UPS

1. Diving
2. Travelling to Taiwan/ BKK/ Cambodia/ Batam/ JB. Did my first solo travel and yep gna be my last. 
3. Graduation
4. First full-time job. May not be easy but definitely enjoyable.

THE DOWNS

1. A house, not a home 

As I am typing this, the parents are arguing in the kitchen. 

The down is going to be there forever so I'll just have to neutralise it away with more UPS :D 

THE NEW THINGS

1. Dyeing the hair dark purple- which faded in a few weeks I'm back to brown
2. New career meant new friends, am lucky to find people I can trust in my workplace
3. Being vain. I "learnt" how to put on makeup this year?! Thanks to my expert girlfriends, I now have a Laneige BB cushion and a lipgloss... that I still don't really use but I do use the Laneige thing! And I thread my eyebrows! 

THE WHAT-I-AM-GRATEFUL FOR

1. Friends
2. Brother
3. Mum

for showering me with so much endless love and support and for always trusting and believing in me. At times in life I feel empty and lonely but you guys are always here. 

Moving on to 2017, please be kind :-)