I have this problem with myself- I get ticked off by my own family. 

One problem that big families may have is how they grew up vying for attention and that tension separates them apart. This particular tension is freaking evident in my own family. So I was on the phone call with my eldest auntie a few minutes ago.

Aunt: Wah you very hardworking hor, every Monday go find 谁的儿子.
Me: Ya, Javier.
Aunt: Why Javier never listen to Jasmine meh?
Me: No ah. He listens to Jasmine jiejie.
Aunt: Then why Jasmine half-day work only Jasmine cannot ownself teach.
Me: (I was already 50% annoyed already. I don't understand why my aunt has to talk in such a degrading tone about my cousin, who has cancer) Er sometimes she's quite tired.
Aunt: Then you teach what? Everything?
Me: No leh english and maths only.
Aunt: Why chinese never.
Me: Chinese I'm not good.
Aunt: Nowadays chinese hanyu pinyin difficult. My grandson can even teach me eh!!! (Now I'm 70% annoyed. The point of convo with her is always driven back to how great her grandsons are)

I don't get it.
What's a family about when you do such comparisons within yourselves?
What's the point?

And I get ticked off by my own father, as usual, all the time. Even today.

Maybe one of the reason why I'm so into The Return of Superman show is how all that fatherly love fascinates me. I find myself smiling to the show most of the time because children = adorbs and that interaction with papa = aborbs. I have to admit some part of me is horribly envious too haha. I envy how they can spend time with their dads and even tell their dad I love you/ vice versa. I've never done that my whole life and I guess I'll never do it because I'll be lying to myself. I don't even remember when was the last time I ever had a meal with my father. I know I definitely didn't hold his hands before. My family doesn't do hugs so hugging is out of the picture. Only bro and I. Or when we flatten each other like roti prata on the bed as our tactic to wake each other up. Come to think of it, I don't know when was the last time I even tried my best to know my dad, or vice versa. I can be sour grapes about all these but truth is, I'll never do it in real life.

So today I realised why he keeps bringing out all the dry clothes. Even though mum said no because bird shit risk. And even though I already brought them in. So in essence he dislikes what I actually love. Hahahaha I LOVE DETERGENT. Esp when I had full control over all of my clothes back in CAPT, I SPAM detergent like nobody's business hahaha James and Tze will always "SIAO AH" LOL I love nice-smelling clothes :p And on a useful note, I have endless soap that friends can borrow too. Back to topic, I came to a realisation that father was drying them out because he was trying to get rid of all traces of any smell hahaha. Because he said got smell = not clean and detergent causes cancer.

I get annoyed so easily, how can I even try to understand him better?

Recently I got a bit disgusted with myself too.
When I was walking back during lunch break last week, a man approached me for money. I didn't give him. Then it hit me. First stage: regret. What if the man really needed it urgently? What if something bad happens to him when he doesn't have that cash? Second stage: shame. Who am I to ask people to help others when me myself... I don't? And the fact that I didn't give him cash- didn't that show much more about who I truly am? That deep down I'm selfish? Third stage: trying to alleviate that guilt. My friend told me that I can imagine the man to be selling a pen for money. If that happened, it's true... I wouldn't buy the pen too. And then another thought popped into my head. Omg so I have been evil all these while. With or without pen-selling, I don't help others. Fourth stage: trying to forget- But evidently not happening because of the fact that I AM WRITING IT DOWN NOW HERE LOL IT IS SO FRESH AND STUCK IN MY HEAD PLEASE.

Aiya shit happens and lessons are learnt. Move on.