Trying to get my life back on track. 

Been a week.  

Saturday felt really strange. A week's anniversary. Especially when the sky fell. It felt very very weird. A mixture of emptiness with pain, but also a reminder that you're really gone. 

Sunday was just plain T I R I N G. As always. Since I was absent the previous week... it was sweet when my Year 3s were happy to see me again.

Monday was spent meeting Claire over breakfast- love Yakun kaya toasts yum. Followed by a really long day trying to get my nephew to focus and study. I need to be better in handling his moodswings, to remind myself of his mental health and the fact that he's coping with a lot of things at one go. That he's only 8, of course he will choose anything over studying. But it seems like a trade off seesaw game, which is very tiring. If I choose relationship, I'll lose the authority to teach him properly haiz. As of now I'm honestly losing that hahaha. It's nice to hear things like "I like pearl jiejie" but that also means "I want you but I don't want tuition!!!" (imagine that in a tantrum voice) 

Brought two nephews out for Swensen's and arcade at NEX after a very tough 2.5hours of tuition. Javier threw a total of 4 to 5 tantrums in this whole entire journey. I had to reprimand him in public when we were waiting for the shuttle bus back because he hit the jackpot of my tolerance level haha. So I told him does this mean I should regret and never ever bring him out to play if he's going to be unreasonable like this? Then he got sulky and all, I won anyway because he said no. 

Jie if you are now an angel in heaven may you please bless me/us from above. May Javier still hold some respect for me as a teacher please. 

Tuesday was spent accompanying the bro to the doc and finally meeting my friendinlaw Ben and tze :) Awesome friendinlaw got me a very sweet gift from his exchange at HK. +1 point of approval for you Ben. Hahahaha. We traded gifts, HK and BKK. More to come in the future! 

Wednesday means today. Today means work. Work means a lot of mixed feelings. Thinking about OCT 2018. For now... bye-bye I shall go watch a drama. 

1st night. Saturday 20th May 2017.

First night of you gone, spent thinking about all the times we had. Sleepless first night. Things I will never see them the same way again- uniqlo, pizza, mango, grab car, or even your house. How empty it feels looking at our whatsapp messages and realising that you're never going to be replying me again, realising that last seen is really the last seen.  I think this kind of pain eats deep inside your heart. 1am, 2am, 5am when I open my eyes/ when I close my eyes, I see you and when I see you I see tears and I cannot really stop. 

But I heard that if you cry too much, the person cannot go in peace.

2nd night. Sunday 21st May 2017.

Just ended Day 1 of the wake.
Still doesn't feel real seeing you lying there, no longer joking around/ smiling/ talking to us. 

I'm also extremely glad that I found my nephew's Mickey and Minnie soft toy. Because he told me "thank you jiejie you kept your promise!!" and also "I love to hug them very much!" and placed Minnie and Mickey right beside the flowers in front of your beautiful picture :) 

"Minnie is Baby Mummy, Mickey is me!"

I've also been stalking him silently today. Watching him walk to find you by himself. 

Javier asked me what happens if mummy suddenly open her eyes? I told him oh yes then we'll say mummy we love you! He said yes we shall free her!

"Mummy is turning peachy. Oh! But mummy is smiling!"

"Yes! And mummy loves you!" 

"I love you mummy."

Then he kissed his fingers and pressed them down on the glass surface, sending them to mummy. 

I hope you received our love up there jie. It is heart wrenching seeing Javier trying his best to put up a brave front at times. We will hang in there for you, just the way you want us to. 

3rd night. Monday 22nd May 2017.Hello jie it's Day 2 of your wake and I'm feeling better now. Reminding myself that you are no longer in pain helps a lot but I was unfortunately reminded of wednesday's cremation. You going in flames scares the shit out of me but I'll try not to keep my mind on it. 

Today's Javier's moodswings were quite bad. One moment he's angelic and another moment he's uncontrollable. I also brought him out for KFC and got him a toy...

I know you wouldn't want me to spoil him but just for these days. Like how I had to carry him or bathe him like a baby. 

Sleeping beside him last night made me realize how TINY he is. I think he hasn't figured the reality of what life is without you physically by his side forever... 

But when that time comes, we'll be here for him don't you worry.

Playing pretend. 

In this setting, in this pain, you smiled and waved. 

And played pretend. 

I feel so helpless. In fact, idk what should I do/ what should I act at all. I just stood there, the only thing I could do is to make a mother's day card for you with my nephew. I think he is your best source of strength. 

What should I do? 

Happiness is when you are craving for chocolate eclair and

TELEPATHY. Your yiyi comes along on a public holiday and bring you one. That type with chocolate cream instead of the typical white cream inside.

HAPPINESS :)