1st night. Saturday 20th May 2017.

First night of you gone, spent thinking about all the times we had. Sleepless first night. Things I will never see them the same way again- uniqlo, pizza, mango, grab car, or even your house. How empty it feels looking at our whatsapp messages and realising that you're never going to be replying me again, realising that last seen is really the last seen.  I think this kind of pain eats deep inside your heart. 1am, 2am, 5am when I open my eyes/ when I close my eyes, I see you and when I see you I see tears and I cannot really stop. 

But I heard that if you cry too much, the person cannot go in peace.

2nd night. Sunday 21st May 2017.

Just ended Day 1 of the wake.
Still doesn't feel real seeing you lying there, no longer joking around/ smiling/ talking to us. 

I'm also extremely glad that I found my nephew's Mickey and Minnie soft toy. Because he told me "thank you jiejie you kept your promise!!" and also "I love to hug them very much!" and placed Minnie and Mickey right beside the flowers in front of your beautiful picture :) 

"Minnie is Baby Mummy, Mickey is me!"

I've also been stalking him silently today. Watching him walk to find you by himself. 

Javier asked me what happens if mummy suddenly open her eyes? I told him oh yes then we'll say mummy we love you! He said yes we shall free her!

"Mummy is turning peachy. Oh! But mummy is smiling!"

"Yes! And mummy loves you!" 

"I love you mummy."

Then he kissed his fingers and pressed them down on the glass surface, sending them to mummy. 

I hope you received our love up there jie. It is heart wrenching seeing Javier trying his best to put up a brave front at times. We will hang in there for you, just the way you want us to. 

3rd night. Monday 22nd May 2017.Hello jie it's Day 2 of your wake and I'm feeling better now. Reminding myself that you are no longer in pain helps a lot but I was unfortunately reminded of wednesday's cremation. You going in flames scares the shit out of me but I'll try not to keep my mind on it. 

Today's Javier's moodswings were quite bad. One moment he's angelic and another moment he's uncontrollable. I also brought him out for KFC and got him a toy...

I know you wouldn't want me to spoil him but just for these days. Like how I had to carry him or bathe him like a baby. 

Sleeping beside him last night made me realize how TINY he is. I think he hasn't figured the reality of what life is without you physically by his side forever... 

But when that time comes, we'll be here for him don't you worry.